Funny Demetri Martin Quotes...

Funny Demetri Martin Quotes

"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're

really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you

put on flip-flops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.

Be nice to people in sneakers.'"

"I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought,

'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest

and I thought, 'That is not cool.' Then I figured it out:

'Cool' is all about leather sleeves."

"I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to

me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.'

And I said, 'I am.'"

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that

started with the word 'dude'. 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude,

we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so

stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin,

and Turtle, and all my homies.'"

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody

can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of.

It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything.

But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like...

after 'I love you... or "'You're going to live'...

or 'It's a boy!'"

"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone

a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just

mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'Huh? What the heck is this?',

but if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'This is nice!'"

"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's

are on this thing? Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... '"

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid

confusion, 'cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was

stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some B-batteries.' 'What kind?'

'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries,

that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'."

Funny Robin Williams Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes by Robin Williams

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police

don't have a gun and you don't have a gun.

If you commit a crime, the police will say,

'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'"

"Why do they call it rush hour

when nothing moves?"

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give

me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.'

She's got a baseball bat and yelling,

'You want a piece of me?'"

"Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is

a six-foot-tall rat!"

"Reality: What a concept!"

"You're only given a little spark of madness.

You mustn't lose it."

"Carpe per diem - seize the check"

"Spring is nature's way of saying,

'Let's party!'"

"What's right is what's left if you do

everything else wrong."

"Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately,

it kills all of its students."

Fun and Funny Quotes About Life...

Fun and Funny Quotes About Life

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea

that life is serious."

- Brendan Gill

"There are good days and there are bad days,

and this is one of them."

- Lawrence Welk

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting

what one wants, and the other is getting it."

- Oscar Wilde

"After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space

would say, "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.'"

- William S. Burroughs

"Life is like eating artichokes: you have got to go

through so much to get so little."

- Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win

you're still a rat."

- Lily Tomlin

"Life doesn't imitate art - it imitates bad television."

- Woody Allen

"When we remember we are all mad,

the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

- Mark Twain

"An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived."

- Herbert Samuel

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."

- Truman Capote

Fun and Funny Erma Bombeck Quotes...

Fun and Funny Erma Bombeck Quotes

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice,

safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."

"Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not

a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial."

"Never have more children than you have car windows."

"My second favorite household chore is ironing.

My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed

until I faint."

"There's something wrong with a mother who

washes out a measuring cup with soap and water

after she's only measured water in it."

"In two decades I've lost 789 pounds.

I should be hanging from a charm bracelet."

"I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce

has been fattening all along."

"The odds of going to the store for a loaf

of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf

of broad are three billion to one."

"I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book

I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone

else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk

(which I hate) when the dog would leap over the

St. Louis Arch for it."

"On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where

we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin,

the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand

out of our belongings."

"If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it."

If you didn't get your fill of Erma Bombeck quotes,
visit this previous post: Erma Bombeck.

Funny, Inaccurate Predictions...

Funny, Inaccurate Predictions

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, IBM, 1943
:-o
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olsen, Digital Equipment Corp, 1977
:-o
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as
a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
- Western Union Memo, 1876
:-o
"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not.
We have plenty of messenger boys."
- Sir William Preece, British Post Office, 1876
:-o
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings
for investment in the radio, 1920s
:-o
"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
commercially and financially it is an impossibility."
- Lee DeForest, inventor
:-o
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
- H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
:-o
"It will be years - not in my time -
before a woman will become Prime Minister."
- Margaret Thatcher, 1974
:-o
"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy
will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom
would have to be shattered at will."
- Albert Einstein, 1932
:-o
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
:-o
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from
the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon
(appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873)
:-o
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
- Irving Fisher, Professor, Yale University, 1929