Joke - Human Years...

Human Years

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work

constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.

You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much.

Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will

hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be

his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live

for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is

too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will

be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of

the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only

rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence

to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate

the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.

Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years

the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live

15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his

house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in

his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse

his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Joke - Proverbs for the New Millenium...

New Proverbs for the New Millenium

Home is where you hang your @.

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up, must come down.

Windows will never cease.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him

to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

There's no place like your homepage.

A Funny - Woman's Week at the Gym...

Woman's Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased

a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape (since being a high school

football cheerleader 43 years ago), I decided it would be a

good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal

trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-

old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart

my progress:

Monday

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but

found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club

to find Christo waiting for me. He is somewhat of a Greek

god - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling, white

smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo game me a tour and shoed me the machines. I

enjoyed watching the skillful he conducted his aerobics

class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo encouraged me as I did my sit-ups, although my gut

was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron

bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a

little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His

rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. GREAT! It's a whole,

new life for me.

Wednesday

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth-

brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth

over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving

was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on

top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams

bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky

for early morning. When he scolds me, he gets this nasally

whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me

on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a

machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by

elevators? Christo told me it would help me to get in shape

and enjoy life. He said some other crap, too.

Thursday

Meanie was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth

exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full

snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late. It took me

that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not

looking, I ran and his in the restroom. He sent some skinny

witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine, which

I sank.

Friday

I hate that jerk Christo more than any human has ever hated

any other human in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,

anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a

part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I

would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any

triceps! And if you don't want any dents in the floor, don't

hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than

a sandwich.

Saturday

The evil one left a message on my answering machine in his

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with

my planner; however, I lacked the strength to use the TV

remote and caught eleven straight hours of the Weather

Channel.

Sunday

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I

can thank God that this week is over. I will also pray next year

my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root

canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to

bend over, He would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!

Fun and Funny Sleep Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes on Sleep

"I love to sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart

when I'm awake, you know?"

- Ernest Hemingway

"Life is too short to sleep on low thread-count sheets."

- Leah Stussy

"The amount of sleep required by the average person is

five minutes more."

- Wilson Mizener

"Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds."

- JoJo Jensen, 'Dirt Farmer Wisdom'

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one."

- Leo J. Burke

"A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting."

- Terri Guillemets

"Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore,

and you sleep alone!"

- Anthony Burgess

"Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all

night thinking about something you said; after marriage,

he'll go to sleep before you finish saying it."

- Helen Rowland

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather -

not screaming like the passengers in his car."

- Will Shriner

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

- W. C. Fields

 

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse...

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse

"To the man who pleases Him, God gives wisdom,

knowledge and happiness."

- Ecclesiastes 2:26

"Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what

you want me to be and becoming that person."

- St Therese of Lisieux

"Be what you are. This is the first step toward

becoming better than you are."

- Julius Charles Hare

"Avoid the crowd. Do your own thinking independently.

Be the chess player, not the chess piece."

- Ralph Charell

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon

way, you command the attention of the world."

- George Washington Carver

"I think of life itself as a wonderful play that

I've written for myself, and so my purpose is

to have the utmost fun playing my part."

- Shirley MacLaine

"The discovery of a new dish does more for the

happiness of mankind than the discovery of a star."

- Anthelme Brilat-Savarin

"You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you

can do it even better than you think you can."

- Jimmy Carter

"The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk on

the water, but to walk on the earth."

- A Chinese Proverb

"Hitch your wagon to a star."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson