Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes...

Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes

"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really

excited. I don't know why. That's what they're supposed to do.

Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string,

I would have been impressed."

"You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish,

but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do

want to make it late for something."

"I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one,

but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed

to yell 'fore', but I was too busy mumbling ,

'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"

"I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep.

Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with

my ex-landlord."

"I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break.

It can only become stairs. There would never be an 'Escalator

temporarily out of order' sign, only 'Escalator temporarily stairs.
Sorry for your inconvenience.

"With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ’slow down’.

With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’,

green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck

did you get that banana?'"

"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt. When will I ever need

to prove I bought a donut? To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act

like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

It's in my file at home... Under 'D'."

"My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them."

"Someone handed me a picture and said, 'This is a picture of me

when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger.

'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.'

Where'd you get that camera man?"

"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going

to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."