Christmas Jokes...

How To Make a Holiday Fruitcake

You'll need the following: four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of
baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle
or two of rum.

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. If it's good, let's get started.

Take a large bowl, and a measuring cup. Check the rum again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. Turn on
the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one seapoon
of thugar, and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum has retained it's fine
quality. Cry another tup. Open a second quart if necessary.

Turn off the mixer. Break two arge leggs, and add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup
of fried druit. Mix on the turner, and beat till high. If the fried druit gets stuck in
the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to check for
tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of pepper or salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the rum.
Now sift the lemon juice, and strain the nuts. Fold in some chopped butter. Add one
table. Spoon. Of brown thugar or whatever color you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 gredees. Don't for get to beat off the
turner. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Feed to your goat. Check
the rum again, and bo to ged.

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Christmas Present

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking
at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the
figures.

Immediately, Pastor Mike turned toward the church to call the police. But as he was
about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure
of the little infant Jesus.

Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little
infant?"

Jimmy answered, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to
little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would
give him a ride around the block in it."