Funny Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
"I wonder if illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet soup."
=)
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
every day just exactly fits in the newspaper."
=)
"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man,
why is she marrying him?"
=)
"Now, they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
=)
"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
=)
"I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it.
Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up
to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any.
Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'"
=)
"You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?'
'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way.
'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'"
=)
"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear
is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher
than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that
at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin
than have to stand up and give a eulogy."
=)
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that
people are still thinking."
=)
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
=)
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off.
I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
=)
"Why do people give each other flowers?
To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing
living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart,
let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'"
=)
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake.
It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
"I wonder if illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet soup."
=)
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
every day just exactly fits in the newspaper."
=)
"I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man,
why is she marrying him?"
=)
"Now, they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
=)
"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
=)
"I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it.
Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up
to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any.
Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'"
=)
"You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?'
'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way.
'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'"
=)
"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear
is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher
than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that
at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin
than have to stand up and give a eulogy."
=)
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that
people are still thinking."
=)
"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
=)
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off.
I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
=)
"Why do people give each other flowers?
To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing
living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart,
let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'"
=)
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake.
It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
My favorites:
ReplyDelete"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
keep the jokes coming, Val! :)
krissy knox :)