Two Halloween Jokes...

Costume Shopping

Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, and Arnold Schwarzenegger all decide to
go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume
store and look for masks.

Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven."

Steven Seagal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart."

Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one
that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

* * * * *
Beethoven Symphonies

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard when, suddenly, he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the
origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van
Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it
is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend
to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the
Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played in reverse.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert,
the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the
symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed - the
9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a throng has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd
asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

Halloween Funny - Some Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters...

Some Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters

Give away something other than candy (e.g. toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.).
=)
Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "TOP SECRET" in big letters. When trick-
or-treaters come, look around suspiciously and say, "It's about time you got here." Give them
the briefcase and quickly shut the door.
=)
Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door say,
"Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
=)
Get everyone who knocks on the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong
with your dishwasher.
=)
After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
=)
Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment and pretend
to be confused. Start flipping through a calendar.
=)
Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only
thing you had left over from Easter.
=)
Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all the
trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

Halloween Jokes...

Halloween Vamps

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take
their orders.

"And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I'll have a glass
of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender,
"Two bloods and a blood light."

* * * * * *

Bat story

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked
himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where
he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted
until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

Two Halloween jokes...

Stranger At The Window

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started
it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and
tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said,
"What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the
driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer
says we're doing 80 now."

All of the sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man
reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen
and heard, when, suddenly, there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in
stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

******

Pumpkin Deterrent

Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was very disappointed when some
of the local kids were taking them to make jack-o-lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin
thefts came to her. After supper she went out and put up a sign: "Beware, one of
these pumpkins is coated with a special, colorless rat poison!"

A day later. when Mrs Jones checked out her pumpkin patch, she was pleased to see
that no more had been stolen. Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said:
"NOW THERE ARE TWO!!"

Halloween Jokes...

Bones

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was
helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my
seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious,
and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I
think it's too late!"

******

Skeleton in the Closet


A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new
skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had
to be dismantled floor-by-floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a
small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived, the workers directed them to the closet, and showed them
the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.

The policemen said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important," and
left telling the workers they would contact them when they found out any word on the
skeleton.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more; they had
to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys
who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it is Jimmy Hoffa or
somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it is somebody kind of important."

"Well, who is it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

Halloween Joke - Fixing The Headstone...

Fixing The Headstone

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a
shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they saw an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away
at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half
to death - we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at
night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Halloween Puns...

Halloween Puns

What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin' Goblin

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos

Did you hear about the cannibal who was
expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
"I'm bone to be wild."

What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
"I'd like a beer and a mop!"

What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets

What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef

What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady

What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster

What do you do with a green monster?
Wait until it ripens

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships

What goes "Ha-ha-ha... THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off

Joke - What To Wear On Halloween (mild adult humor)

Click here for a Halloween giggle!

*mild adult humor

Joke - 10 Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

10 Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween

1. You get winded from knocking on the door.

2. You have to have someone
chew the candy for you.

3. You ask for high fiber candy only.

4. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.

5. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!"
and you're not wearing a mask.

6. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..."
and you can't remember the rest.

7. By the end of the night you have
a bag full of restraining orders.

8. You have to carefully choose a costume
that won't dislodge your hair piece.

9. You're the only Power Ranger in the
neighborhood with a walker.

10. You avoid going to houses
where your ex-wives live.

Halloween Fun!

Halloween Fun

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray.

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with.

What do you call someone who puts
poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer.

Joke - Cabbie and Nun (mild adult humor)

*warning - mild adult humor

Cabbie and Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab,
and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, "I have a question to ask you but
I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun
as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can
do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make any woman blush.

When they get back on the road,
the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun,
"why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned," said the cabbie,
"I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK...
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."