Redneck Thanksgiving...

You Might Be Having A Redneck Thanksgiving If...

You're dinner is on a ping-pong table.

The meal is squirrel and dumplings.

You're re-using paper plates.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they

all say Cool Whip on the side.

You're using your ironing board as a buffet table.

You have to decide which pet to eat for

your Thanksgiving meal.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best cups have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from

the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table

is ketchup.

Your side dishes include beef jerky and

moon pies.

You have to go outside to get something from

the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off

the paved road".

Pork and beans are your "gourmet food".

You're using an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You're using an illegal, secret family recipe.

You're serving Vienna Sausages for appetizers.

Friendship Quotes...

Friendship Quotes

"You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others

to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."

- A. A. Milne, 'Winnie The Pooh'

"Fate chooses our relatives, we choose our friends."

- Jacques Delille

"What sweetness is left in life, if you take away friendship?

Robbing life of friendship is like robbing the world of the sun.

A true friend is more to be esteemed than kinsfolk."

- Marcus Tullius Cicero

"A friend you have to buy won't be worth what

you pay for him."

- George Dennison Prentice

"A friend is someone who lets you have total

freedom to be yourself."

- Jim Morrison

"To have a good friend is one of the highest delights in life;

to be a good friend is one of the noblest and most

difficult undertakings."

- Author Unknown

"Every man rejoices twice when he has a partner in his joy.

He who shares tears with us wipes them away. He divides them

in two, and he who laughs with us makes the joy double."

- Bishop Fulton J. Sheen

"When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there

is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it."

- Edgar Watson Howe

"A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one

who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and

more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to

those who inhabit the mountain?"

- Kahlil Gibran

"To find a friend one must close one eye - to keep him, two."

- Norman Douglas

"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and

loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole

lifetime, if not asked to lend money."

- Mark Twain

The 12 Days of Thanksgiving...

The 12 Days Of Thanksgiving

On the First Day...

We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast

and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day...

We bless the cold turkey sandwiches,

sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day...

We praise the turkey pie and

vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day...

We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison

that first time, or we'd be celebrating

Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day...

We gobble up cubed bird casserole and

pray for a glimpse of naked, turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day...

We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook

who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day...

We forgive our forefathers and pass

the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day...

The word 'vegetarian' keeps popping

into our heads.

On the Ninth Day...

We check our hair to make sure we're not

beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day...

We hope that the wing-meat kabobs

catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day...

We smile over the creamed gizzard because

the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day...

We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers.

And everybody says, "Amen!"

- Author Unknown

Thanksgiving Joke - The Parrot...

The Parrot

(A Thanksgiving classic)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and

laced with profanity. John tried very hard to change the

bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,

playing soft music, and doing anything else he could think of

to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed

up and he screamed at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John hollered even louder and the

parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation,

threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the

freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and

screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep

was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the

parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched

arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my

rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my

inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do

everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable

behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a

dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

A Funny - Turkey Survival...

Turkey Survival

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And said there was something I needed to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin,

And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin."

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,

In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;"

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink,

And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,"

"And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,

"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,

I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;

I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming... "

- Author Unknown