Other Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey...

Other Ways To Use The Thanksgiving Turkey

* As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins.

* As a hood ornament.

* As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you

and say, "My how you've grown!"

* As a football for the after-meal game.

* One word... bowling!

* As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm

to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

* As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!).

* As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

* Makes a great doggie chew toy.

* Fill it with whipped cream - watch the fun.

* Bury it in the yard for future midnight snacks.

* If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on and

see what it looks like in the X-ray machine.

* Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and ask the

flight attendant for some chicken feed.

* Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!"

* Before serving, paste feathers on the poor, naked creature.

* Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room,

amaze your guests with the talking fowl.

* Throw the turkey out the window yelling,

"You're FREE! Fly! FLY!"

* Two words: turkey puppet.

* Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood

in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.

* From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car.

When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

* As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests

in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.

Redneck Thanksgiving...

You Might Be Having A Redneck Thanksgiving If...

You're dinner is on a ping-pong table.

The meal is squirrel and dumplings.

You're re-using paper plates.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they

all say Cool Whip on the side.

You're using your ironing board as a buffet table.

You have to decide which pet to eat for

your Thanksgiving meal.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best cups have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from

the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table

is ketchup.

Your side dishes include beef jerky and

moon pies.

You have to go outside to get something from

the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off

the paved road".

Pork and beans are your "gourmet food".

You're using an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You're using an illegal, secret family recipe.

You're serving Vienna Sausages for appetizers.

The 12 Days of Thanksgiving...

The 12 Days Of Thanksgiving

On the First Day...

We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast

and its hot trimmings.

On the Second Day...

We bless the cold turkey sandwiches,

sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.

On the Third Day...

We praise the turkey pie and

vintage mixed veggies.

On the Fourth Day...

We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison

that first time, or we'd be celebrating

Thanksgiving until April.

On the Fifth Day...

We gobble up cubed bird casserole and

pray for a glimpse of naked, turkey carcass.

On the Sixth Day...

We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook

who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.

On the Seventh Day...

We forgive our forefathers and pass

the turkey-nugget pizza.

On the Eighth Day...

The word 'vegetarian' keeps popping

into our heads.

On the Ninth Day...

We check our hair to make sure we're not

beginning to sprout feathers.

On the Tenth Day...

We hope that the wing-meat kabobs

catch fire under the broiler.

On the Eleventh Day...

We smile over the creamed gizzard because

the thigh bones are in sight.

On the Twelfth Day...

We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers.

And everybody says, "Amen!"

- Author Unknown

Thanksgiving Joke - The Parrot...

The Parrot

(A Thanksgiving classic)

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and

laced with profanity. John tried very hard to change the

bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,

playing soft music, and doing anything else he could think of

to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed

up and he screamed at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John hollered even louder and the

parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation,

threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the

freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and

screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep

was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the

parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched

arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my

rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my

inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do

everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable

behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a

dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

A Funny - Turkey Survival...

Turkey Survival

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,

My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,

And said there was something I needed to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,

When he told me of the horrors of... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,

Each day you'll be thick, where once you were thin,

And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin."

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,

In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;"

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink,

And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,"

"And then comes the worst part," he said not bluffing,

"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,

I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,

I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,

High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,

I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,

And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,

As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,

I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;

I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming... "

- Author Unknown