Fun and Funny Christmas Quotes...

Fun and Funny Christmas Quotes

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season;

the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church;

the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue;

the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing

each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!'

or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists)

'Look out for the wall!'"

- Dave Barry

“I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made

a mistake though. I bought the three year extended

warranty. I don’t think I need that.”

- Jay Leno

"Mail your packages early so the post office

can lose them in time for Christmas."

- Johnny Carson

"Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has

never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present."

- Author Unknown

"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in

the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other."

- Johnny Carson

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year."

- Victor Borge

"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching

to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola,

fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product

consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would

mix so harmoniously?"

- Bill Watterson, 'Calvin & Hobbes'

"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and

tears out faster than the Christmas spirit."

- Frank McKinney Hubbard

"Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!"

- Ogden Nash

"Roses are reddish

Violets are bluish

If it weren't for Christmas

We'd all be Jewish."

- Benny Hill

Snow Quotes and a Verse...

Snow Quotes and a Verse

"'Come now, let us reason together,' says the Lord.

'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as

white as snow; though they are red as crimson,

they shall be like wool.'"

- Isaiah 1:18

"The first fall of snow is not only an event,

it is a magical event. You go to bed in one kind of

a world and wake up in another quite different,

and if this is not enchantment then where is

it to be found?"

- J. B. Priestley

"When I no longer thrill to the first snow of

the season, I'll know I'm growing old."

- Lady Bird Johnson

"To appreciate the beauty of a snowflake,

it is necessary to stand out in the cold."

- Author Unknown

"I frequently tramped eight or ten miles

through the deepest snow to keep an appointment

with a beech tree, or a yellow birch, or an old

acquaintance among the pines."

- Henry David Thoreau

"A snowflake is one of God's most fragile creations,

but look what they can do when they stick together!"

- Author Unknown

"Getting an inch of snow is like winning

ten cents in the lottery."

- Bill Watterson

"The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow

because it was important to them: there ought

to be as many for love."

- Margaret Atwood

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing

is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

- Phyllis Diller

"Where does the white go when the snow melts?"

- Author Unknown

Joke - Buying Fabric...

Buying Fabric

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty

girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How

much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

The clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then

held it out teasingly, with anticipation written on his face.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man

standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Joke - Human Years...

Human Years

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work

constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.

You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much.

Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will

hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be

his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live

for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is

too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will

be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of

the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only

rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence

to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate

the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.

Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years

the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live

15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his

house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in

his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse

his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Joke - Proverbs for the New Millenium...

New Proverbs for the New Millenium

Home is where you hang your @.

The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up, must come down.

Windows will never cease.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him

to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

There's no place like your homepage.