Christmas Humor...

A Divorce for the Holidays

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before

Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have

to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five

years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?!" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the

father explains. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of

talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell

her, please."

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the

phone, "No way are they getting a divorce! I'll take care

of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father,

"You two are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing

until I get there! I'm calling brother back and we'll both be

there tomorrow. Until then, don't do anything, DO YOU

HEAR ME?!!" and she hangs up.

The elderly man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying

their own way!"

Click link below for a short and funny interactive joke:

Perfect Couple on Christmas

Joke - The Real Night Before Christmas...

The REAL Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas

when all through the house,

I searched for the tools

to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied

and we were inspired,

in hopes we could manage

"Some Assembly Required" .

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,

while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!

And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,

my heart skipped a beat -

let no parts be missing

or parts incomplete!

Too late for last minute returns or replacement;

if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear.

With each part numbered and every slot named,

so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,

all over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact,

that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night,

with 'assembly required' till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,

till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin,

before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,

we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,

"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,

and not run to the store for one single thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose

I gratefully went, though I suppose,

there's something to say for those self-deluded-

I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

- Author Unknown

Joke - Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia:

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder:

We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:

I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissism:

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Mania:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets

and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and

Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoia:

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Suicidal Ideation:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Borderline Personality Disorder:

You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,

Maybe I'll tell You Why...

Depression:

Silent Cyclothymia, Holy Cyclothymia,

All is Flat, All is Lonely

Passive Aggressive:

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love

Gave to Me (then I went and took away his... )

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells...

A Funny - 12 Letters of Christmas...

A re-run of a personal Christmas favorite funny:



Twelve Days of Christmas


December 14, 2010

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been
more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes


December 15, 2010

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts.
The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm
delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes


December 16, 2010

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such
generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me.
Yet, I am not surprised - what more should I expect from such
a nice person.

Love,
Agnes


December 17, 2010

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice
but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too
romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes


December 18, 2010

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for
every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love
it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous
days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come
through with a beautiful, valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes


December 19, 2010

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are
complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please
stop, dear.

Cordially,
Agnes


December 20, 2010

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-
swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird
droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get
any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so
stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes


December 21, 2010

Alright wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do
with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had
to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by
them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or
you'll be sorry!

Agnes


December 22, 2010

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there
are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They
haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The
cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to
evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes


December 23, 2010

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem
with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around
me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows
can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere!
The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as
to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of
a reason! You creep! I'm siccing the police on you!

One who means it!


December 24, 2010

Listen you evil, sadistic maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping
across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some
of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and
is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they
were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied!
You're a rotten, vicious, worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes


December 25, 2010

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one
Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you
attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatorium,
the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Rees, and Yorker

Christmas and Chanukah Funnies...

What To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like

Top 10 things to say when you receive

a gift you don't like:

10. "Hey, now there's a gift!"

9. "Well, well, well... "

8. "Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes that

would've fit."

7. "This will be perfect for wearing around the

basement."

6. "Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season,

though. There are lots of unexplained fires."

5. "If the dog buries this, I'll be furious!"

4. "I love this, but I fear it will inspire jealousy."

3. "Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness

Protection Program."

2. "To think, I received this the year I vowed to

give all my gifts to charity."

And the number one thing to say about a

Christmas gift you don't like...

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Top 10 Reasons Why Chanukah is Better Than Christmas

10. There’s no “Donny and Marie Chanukah Special”.

9. There are eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).

8. There is no need to clean the chimney.

7. There’s no latke-nog.

6. Burl Ives doesn’t sing Chanukah songs.

5. You won’t be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.

4. You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown”.

3. There's no barking dog version of “I had a Little Driedl”.

2. There's no pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.

And the number one reason why Chanukah

is better than Christmas...

1. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.

Christmas Jokes...

Christmas Pizza

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.

The salesgirl asked him, "Do you want your usual? Deep pan,

crisp, and even?"

Christmas Shepherd

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of

a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut

across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and

wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to

the other side.

"Look at that!" remarked Peter to Joe. "That guy is trying to pull

the wool over our ice!"

Christmas Humor...

What a Boy Wants For Christmas

Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the

toy department of Sears one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, "What a marvelous train set. I'll buy it."

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and said, "Great,

I'm sure your son will really love this."

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, "Maybe you're right. In that

case I'll take two."

What a Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when

Emily, a girl about 20 years of age, walked up and sat on his

lap.

Now, we know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from

adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her,

"What do you want for Christmas, Emily?"

"Something for my mother, please," answered the girl sweetly.

"Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and

thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What would you like me to

bring her?"

Emily answered quickly, "A son-in-law."