Back-To-School Jokes...

Back-To-School Jokes

These were collected from Reader's Digest online.

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade

teachers were named Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One

morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a

flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company

and I'm keeping her home."

- submitted By Merri Lee Colvin

*****

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i.

Millie: I is ...

Teacher: No Millie. Always say, "I am."

Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

*****

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I

work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his

classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him

mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer

moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get

this kid out of his locker."

- submitted by Helen Button

*****

Danny was hard to miss at our school. A Civil War buff

who forever wore his Confederate overcoat, he was a friend

to all. When he was passed over during the vote for senior

superlatives, many of us were disappointed; surely there

must have been a category suitable for him.

The whole school was pleased, therefore, when the

yearbook adviser surprised us with an additional photo.

There was Danny, decked out in his gray coat, with the

caption: "Most Likely to Secede".

- submitted by Michael G. Stewart

*****

Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign.

I was pulled over by a police officer, who recognized me as

his former English teacher.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not

commas."

- submitted by Gail Brown

*****

I'm a high school geometry teacher and I started one lesson

on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an

exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than

the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior

angles."

I noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked

him why. "Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you

start speaking English."

- submitted by Patricia Strickland

*****

While working in the library at a university, I was often

shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of

paying their fees for overdue books. One evening an older

student returned two books that were way overdue and

threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2 fee that I asked her to

pay. I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but

she insisted she should be exempt. "You don't understand,"

she blurted out. "I didn't even read them!"

- sumbitted by Alison Satterfield

Joke - Differences in Mean and Women...

Differences in Men and Women

Nicknames

* If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other

Laura, Kate and Sarah.

* If Make, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to

each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Slugger.

Eating Out

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20,

even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want any change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but is on sale.

Bathrooms

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel.

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting the she won't change, bus she does.

Dressing Up

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,

answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

* Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

* A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental

appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.