Joke - Human Years...

Human Years

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work

constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.

You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much.

Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will

hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be

his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live

for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is

too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will

be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of

the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only

rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence

to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate

the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.

Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years

the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live

15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his

house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in

his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse

his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Joke - Perfection...

Perfection

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman.

Anyone present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."

One elderly gentleman stood up.

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?"

he asked, somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man,

"but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first

husband."

Joke - Making a Man...

Making a Man

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to him, "Lord,

we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out

a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can

now do what You did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Please tell me... " replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into

Your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me."

So the scientist bends down on his knees and picks up some

soil and starts to mold it.

"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God, "get your own dirt."

A Funny - Church Bulletin Bloopers...

Church Bulletin Bloopers


These sentences (with all the bloopers) actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church services:



The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

<><

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.

<><

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

<><

Don't let worry kill you off - Let the Church help.

<><

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

<><

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.

<><

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.

<><

At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

<><

Eight new choir robes are currently needed
due to the addition of several new members and to
the deterioration of some older ones.

<><

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.

<><

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

<><

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

Joke - Church Cake!...

Church Cake!

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale,
but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake, and when she took it from the oven,
the center had dropped flat.

She exclaimed, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake!"

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center
of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money
and specific instructions. She told her to be at the bake sale the
minute it opened,and buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already
been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of
bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in
question was presented for dessert.

When Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it.

before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a
beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a
prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Joke - Golfing on Sunday...

Golfing on Sunday

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day,
decided he just had to play golf. He went to the Associate
Pastor and explained he was feeling sick and convinced him to
preach the sermon for him that morning.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Reverend Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
He knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone - after all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to The Lord while
looking down from the Heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not."

Reverend Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin
dropping just short of it, rolling up and falling into the hole.
It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!!

Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Joke - An Atheist in the Woods...

An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 9-foot grizzly
bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself
up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon them, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect Me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?!"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head
and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive... "

A Funny - God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns...

God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and
stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.
The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and
flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green
rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies,
birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it,
sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir - just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke
of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide
beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form
a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.
Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural
circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to
have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and
to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which
they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

P. S. Happy Birthday, D.!!