Joke - Perfection...

Perfection

The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman.

Anyone present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

Nobody stood up.

"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."

One elderly gentleman stood up.

"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?"

he asked, somewhat amazed.

"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man,

"but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first

husband."

Joke - Making a Man...

Making a Man

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to him, "Lord,

we don't need You anymore. Science has finally figured out

a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can

now do what You did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Please tell me... " replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into

Your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me."

So the scientist bends down on his knees and picks up some

soil and starts to mold it.

"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God, "get your own dirt."

Joke - Worm Sermon...

Worm Sermon

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the

following results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can we learn
from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said:

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate you won't have

worms!"

A Funny - Church Bulletin Bloopers...

Church Bulletin Bloopers


These sentences (with all the bloopers) actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church services:



The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

<><

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.

<><

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

<><

Don't let worry kill you off - Let the Church help.

<><

For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

<><

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.

<><

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.

<><

At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

<><

Eight new choir robes are currently needed
due to the addition of several new members and to
the deterioration of some older ones.

<><

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -
prayer and medication to follow.

<><

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is
invited to attend this tragedy.

<><

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.

Joke - Golfing on Sunday...

Golfing on Sunday

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning, and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny spring day,
decided he just had to play golf. He went to the Associate
Pastor and explained he was feeling sick and convinced him to
preach the sermon for him that morning.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Reverend Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
He knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone - after all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to The Lord while
looking down from the Heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not."

Reverend Norton hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin
dropping just short of it, rolling up and falling into the hole.
It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!!

Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Joke - An Atheist in the Woods...

An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 9-foot grizzly
bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his
shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself
up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon them, a voice came out of the sky:

"You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect Me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?!"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps
you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head
and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive... "

Joke - St. Peter's Book...

St. Peter's Book

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading
through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several
minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry,
I don't see your name written in The Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not
until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably
hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update
to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in
your life."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time
when I was driving down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang
members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they
were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out of my
car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of
the gang.

"He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4 and 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket
and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader,
the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head
with the tire iron.

"Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor,
innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home
before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says, "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."