Joke - The Wish...

The Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming

voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful

to Me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over

anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of

the enormous challenges I would face for that kind of

undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of

the Pacific and the concrete and steel needed would nearly

exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard

for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little

more time and think of something that would honor and

glorify Me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,

I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how

she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the

silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says,

'nothing's wrong' and how I can make her truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Joke - Human Years...

Human Years

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work

constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.

You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much.

Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will

hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be

his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live

for 30 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is

too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.

You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will

be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of

the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10

years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only

rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence

to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate

the earth and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.

Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years

the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live

15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his

house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in

his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse

his grandchildren.

And it is so...

Joke - Magic Trick...

Magic Trick

A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers
changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks
over and over.

Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched
the magician perform his tricks. Eventually, the parrot learned howthe tricks were
done and would interrupt the act.

"It's in his sleeve," the parrot would say. "He switched balls.", "It's in his
pocket.", etc., etc.

Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing
about it, since it belonged to the Captain.

Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank
to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the
magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece
of furniture.

For three days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the
parrot stared back. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot cracked and said:

"OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"

A Funny - God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns...

God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and
stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.
The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and
flocks of songbirds.

I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green
rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies,
birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it,
sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir - just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke
of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide
beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form
a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.
Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural
circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to
have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and
to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which
they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

P. S. Happy Birthday, D.!!