A Bunch of Short Jokes...

A Bunch of Short Jokes

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A: A stick

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

A: Quatro sinko

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a

bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes Whack, "Dang!" and a bad skydiver

goes, "Dang," Whack!

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through

the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

a) Neurotics build castles in the air.

b) Psychotics live in them.

c) Psychiatrists collect the rent.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey,

we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Larry?!?"

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase

'fire at will'.

A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the

kitchens. A brother is frying chips.

"Are you the friar?" he asks.

"No, I'm the chip monk," he replies.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the

bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Joke - Three Envelopes...

Three Envelopes

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager

he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him,

"I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an

envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama. Everything goes

wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by

it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens

the first envelope. The message inside says, "Blame your predecessor!"

He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales,

combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens

the second envelope. The message reads, "Reorganize!" This he does,

and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope.

The message inside says, "Prepare three envelopes."

Joke - Old Woman Driving...

Old Woman Driving

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State

Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to

himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on

his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in

the front seat and three in the back – wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand.

I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know

that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other

drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing the speed limit exactly -

twenty-two miles an hour, ” the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that

“22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the

woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am,” the officer says, “I have to ask,

is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they

haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Joke - Differences in Mean and Women...

Differences in Men and Women

Nicknames

* If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other

Laura, Kate and Sarah.

* If Make, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to

each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Slugger.

Eating Out

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20,

even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want any change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but is on sale.

Bathrooms

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel.

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting the she won't change, bus she does.

Dressing Up

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,

answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

* Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

* A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental

appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret

fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Fun and Funny Valentine's Day Quotes...

Fun and Funny Valentine's Day Quotes

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day.

When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short,

chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon."

- Author Unknown

"Love is a grave mental disease."

- Plato

"Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch."

- Cathy Carlyle

"To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand

her at all."

- Helen Rowland

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love.

But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer,

not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love.

To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer

from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

- Woody Allen, 'Love and Death'

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

- Lily Tomlin

"Always remember this: 'A kiss will never miss,

and after many kisses a miss becomes a misses.'"

- John Lennon

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love.

I'd stepped in it a few times."

- Rita Rudner

"Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow

a man to do as his wife pleases."

- Milton Berle

"Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate."

- Sandra J. Dykes

- A tip: Print these out and tuck them in your
honey's Valentine's Day card.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!!