Christmas Shows and Movie Quotes...

Christmas Shows and Movie Quotes

"Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing."

- Little Elf Judy, 'The Santa Clause'

"Oh, Christmas isn't just a day. It's a frame of mind... "

- Kris Kringle, 'Miracle on 34th Street'

"Now wait a minute, Susie. Just because every child can't

get his wish, that doesn't mean there isn't a Santa Claus."

- Kris Kringle, 'Miracle on 34th Street'

"Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to."

- Doris Walker, 'Miracle on 34th Street'

"And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast. They'll eat their

Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But there's something

I just cannot stand in least... Oh no. I'm speaking in rhyme!"

- The Grinch, 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'

"When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone!

Did you hear me?! I'm living alone! I'm living alone!

I'm living alone!"

- Kevin McCallister, 'Home Alone'

"Charlie Brown, you're the only person I know who can take

a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem.

Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world,

you're the Charlie Browniest. "

- Linus van Pelt, 'A Charlie Brown Christmas'

"Don't cry, Karen. Frosty's not gone for good. You see,

he was made out of Christmas snow and Christmas snow can

never disappear completely. It sometimes goes away for almost

a year at a time and takes the form of spring and summer rain.

But you can bet your boots that when a good, jolly December

wind kisses it, it will turn into Christmas snow all over again."

- Santa Claus to Karen, 'Frosty the Snowman'

"There is never enough time to do or say all the things that

we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can

in the time that you have. Remember, Scrooge, time is short,

and suddenly, you're not here any more."

- The Ghost of Christmas Present, 'A Christmas Carol'

"God bless us, everyone!"

- Tiny Tim, 'A Christmas Carol'

Joke - The Real Night Before Christmas...

The REAL Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas

when all through the house,

I searched for the tools

to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied

and we were inspired,

in hopes we could manage

"Some Assembly Required" .

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,

while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!

And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,

my heart skipped a beat -

let no parts be missing

or parts incomplete!

Too late for last minute returns or replacement;

if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear.

With each part numbered and every slot named,

so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,

all over the carpet they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."

"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact,

that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night,

with 'assembly required' till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,

till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin,

before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,

we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,

"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,

and not run to the store for one single thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose

I gratefully went, though I suppose,

there's something to say for those self-deluded-

I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

- Author Unknown

Joke - Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia:

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder:

We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:

I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissism:

Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Mania:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets

and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and

Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoia:

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Suicidal Ideation:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Borderline Personality Disorder:

You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,

Maybe I'll tell You Why...

Depression:

Silent Cyclothymia, Holy Cyclothymia,

All is Flat, All is Lonely

Passive Aggressive:

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love

Gave to Me (then I went and took away his... )

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells...

A Funny - 12 Letters of Christmas...

A re-run of a personal Christmas favorite funny:



Twelve Days of Christmas


December 14, 2010

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge
in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been
more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes


December 15, 2010

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts.
The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm
delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes


December 16, 2010

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such
generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me.
Yet, I am not surprised - what more should I expect from such
a nice person.

Love,
Agnes


December 17, 2010

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice
but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too
romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes


December 18, 2010

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for
every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love
it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous
days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come
through with a beautiful, valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes


December 19, 2010

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying
on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are
complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please
stop, dear.

Cordially,
Agnes


December 20, 2010

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-
swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird
droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get
any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so
stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes


December 21, 2010

Alright wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do
with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had
to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by
them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or
you'll be sorry!

Agnes


December 22, 2010

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there
are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They
haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The
cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to
evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes


December 23, 2010

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem
with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around
me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows
can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere!
The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as
to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of
a reason! You creep! I'm siccing the police on you!

One who means it!


December 24, 2010

Listen you evil, sadistic maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping
across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some
of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and
is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they
were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied!
You're a rotten, vicious, worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes


December 25, 2010

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one
Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you
attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatorium,
the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Rees, and Yorker

Fun and Funny Santa Quotes...

Fun and Funny Santa Claus Quotes

"In this age of instant coffee, overnight rush deliveries,

and 30-second media sound bites, it's not surprising that

children have discovered that their letters to Santa Claus

can be sent by email."

- Patrick Flaherty

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white

dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."

- Dick Gregory

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.

Mother took me to see him in a department store and

he asked for my autograph."

- Shirley Temple

"If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on

he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame

it on Santa Claus."

- Jack Handy

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit

gets all the credit."

- Author Unknown

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.

It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

- Steven Wright

"Santa Claus has the right idea -

visit people once a year."

- Victor Borge

"You know you are getting old when Santa

starts looking younger."

- Robert Paul

"A good many things go around in the dark

besides Santa Claus."

- Herbert Hoover

"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?

You know... the birth of Santa."

- Bart Simpson, 'The Simpsons'