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Dog Versus Cat Diary...

Dog Versus Cat Diary

Dog Diary
8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people!
My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Cat Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once leave a hair ballon the

carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly

demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made

condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,

I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my

confinement was due to the power of "allergies". I must learn what this

means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try

this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems

to be more than willing to return. He is obviously not too bright.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with

the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My

captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,

so he is safe. For now.

Joke - Smart Cat...

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him.
He grabbed the kitty and placed him in the car and drove him 20 blocks
from his home and left him at a local park.

He drove the 20 blocks back home. As he turned onto his street, the cat
was walking up his driveway!

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Nearing his home, the cat was in the driveway!

He kept taking the cat further and further away and the cat would always
beat him home!

At last he decided to drive many miles, making many turns, until he reached
what he thought was a safe distance to confuse the cat. Then he left the
cat there.

Hours later his wife received a phone call from the man,"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answered, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man said, "Put that critter on the phone. I'm lost and
need directions!!!"

Joke - Darn Cat...

Darn Cat

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten all dolled up, called
for a taxi, and put the cat outside.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple opened their front door, the cat shoots
back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to
the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat back out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the
taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, "Sorry I took so long,"
he says. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her
with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Joke - How is My Cat?...

How Is My Cat?

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's
care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked.

"Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me like that!?!"

"How else should I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," explained the bachelor. "For
example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the
roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow
night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back,
but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the
third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my
cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply, "oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire
Department is getting her down."

Cat Humor...

I found some cat videos on YouTube that I thought were hysterical. I had to
weed through quite a few to find what I thought were the three funniest.
They are below. For time sake, I am only listing three, in no particular
order (you can find many more!). I am sure you can tell by now, I am an
animal lover, and a lover of cats in particular. Each are a few minutes
long, so you may want to grab a cup of coffee first... and be careful not
to spew it on the computer while viewing ;-)... Press links below.

Funny Cats 1

Funny Cats 2

Funny Cats 3


Also, I visit a site daily, I Can Has Cheezburger?. It is the funniest animal
humor site I have ever visited. You owe it to yourself to pop over, especially
if you are a pet owner. I view its new contents daily and am often howling
with laughter. Enjoy and pat your pets for me... Val =)

For Cat Lovers...

For Cat Lovers

=^..^= An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

=^..^= Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

=^..^= At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

=^..^= Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play
with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

=^..^= Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make
it look like the dog did it.

=^..^= Cat rule: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

=^..^= Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments,
but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

=^..^= Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

=^..^= Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

=^..^= Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where
to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

=^..^= Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

=^..^= Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

=^..^= Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

=^..^= Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

=^..^= Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

=^..^= I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!"

A Funny and a note...

This is an oldie but goodie. I hope it is new to you. If you own (or are
owned by) a dog or cat, you should get a good laugh out of this meme.
I won't be posting again until Sunday morning. I am going away and I
wanted to let you all know. Have a great rest of the week and weekend!
Blessings, Val =)

For Pet Owners

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking 20 tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the
front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.