Joke - Summer Job...

Summer Job

During the summer, before eleventh grade and my senior year
of high school, I found a great summer job cleaning the elegant
home of an older couple.
The work wasn't bad at all and it paid well. The only thing I
really hated about the job was cleaning up after the kind couple's
two dogs.
I was assigned many other duties in the couple's home. The one
I enjoyed most was maintaining rare carvings the couple had
collected around the world on their travelings, as well as petrified
collectibles they had also acquired. These findings were displayed
in the couple's living room in their hutch. Some days I would look
at the petrified collectibles and contemplate them. How old were
they? From what animal did they come? Then I would dust each
one, carefully placing it back in it's place in the hutch.

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the
floor behind the hutch. I quickly picked them up and put them on
a shelf in the hutch next to the other fossils. The next week the
same thing happened. So I did the same.

That afternoon my employer came into the living room, her faithful
canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the hutch.

"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting
up there?"



Dog Versus Cat Diary...

Dog Versus Cat Diary

Dog Diary
8:00 AM - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people!
My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Cat Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once leave a hair ballon the

carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly

demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made

condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,

I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my

confinement was due to the power of "allergies". I must learn what this

means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try

this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems

to be more than willing to return. He is obviously not too bright.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with

the Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My

captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,

so he is safe. For now.

Joke - Talking Dog...

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English,"
he claims to the unimpressed agent.

The guys says to his dog, "What's on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on... " the talent agent responds, "all dogs go 'roof'."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog,
"Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" barks the dog.


The talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A Funny - How to Prepare for a Puppy...

How to Prepare for a Puppy

Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot
in the dark.

Wear a sock to work that has had its toes shredded by a blender.

Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain in the dark saying,
"Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, let's go!"

Cover all your best clothes with dog hair - for dark clothes you must use
white hair and for light clothes you must use dark.

Float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning. Also put some hair
in everything that you cook! And in the pots and pans in your cupboards!!

Run out in the snow/rain in your bare feet to close the gate.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry and scatter clothing all over the floor.

Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that's where the puppy
will drag it anyway... especially when company is coming.

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to
the door shouting "No, No! Do THAT OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning; don't try to clean it up until you
get home from work in the evening.

Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver...
it's going to get chewed on anyway.

Have a backhoe come in and dig random giant holes in your yard.
Then go out in the early AM and step in a few. Try not to break anything.

Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it
around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls
asleep on your lap.

A Funny - New Dog Breeds...

New Dog Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso =
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamut + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn`t matter anyway

Collie + Malamut =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier =
Derrier, a dog that`s true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Oh, never mind...

A Funny and a note...

This is an oldie but goodie. I hope it is new to you. If you own (or are
owned by) a dog or cat, you should get a good laugh out of this meme.
I won't be posting again until Sunday morning. I am going away and I
wanted to let you all know. Have a great rest of the week and weekend!
Blessings, Val =)

For Pet Owners

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking 20 tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the
front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters
who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Joke - How Many Dogs?...

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead
of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check
to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see
that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'

Greyhound/Saluki: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Heeler/Australian Cattle Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he
finishes re-wiring the house, my nails will be dry.