Joke - Race Horses...

Race Horses

Several racehorses are in a stable. One on them starts boasting about his
track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."

Another horse breaks in, "I've won 19 of my last 27!"

"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36," says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says,
"I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow," says one horse after a
prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"

Two short jokes...

Heaven's Orientation

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
All are asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and
friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear
them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that
I was one of the great doctors of my time and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I would like to hear them
say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

******

Cross-Eyed Rotweiler

A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

Joke - Talking Dog...

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English,"
he claims to the unimpressed agent.

The guys says to his dog, "What's on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on... " the talent agent responds, "all dogs go 'roof'."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog,
"Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" barks the dog.


The talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A Funny - How to Prepare for a Puppy...

How to Prepare for a Puppy

Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot
in the dark.

Wear a sock to work that has had its toes shredded by a blender.

Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain in the dark saying,
"Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, let's go!"

Cover all your best clothes with dog hair - for dark clothes you must use
white hair and for light clothes you must use dark.

Float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning. Also put some hair
in everything that you cook! And in the pots and pans in your cupboards!!

Run out in the snow/rain in your bare feet to close the gate.

Tip over a basket of clean laundry and scatter clothing all over the floor.

Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that's where the puppy
will drag it anyway... especially when company is coming.

Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to
the door shouting "No, No! Do THAT OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.

Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning; don't try to clean it up until you
get home from work in the evening.

Gouge the leg of the dining room table several times with a screwdriver...
it's going to get chewed on anyway.

Have a backhoe come in and dig random giant holes in your yard.
Then go out in the early AM and step in a few. Try not to break anything.

Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it
around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls
asleep on your lap.

A Funny - New Dog Breeds...

New Dog Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso =
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Pointer + Setter =
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund =
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso =
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel =
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever =
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound =
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog =
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador =
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamut + Pointer =
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn`t matter anyway

Collie + Malamut =
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier =
Derrier, a dog that`s true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu =
Oh, never mind...