More Valentine's Day Jokes...

In case you get a big box of chocolate on Valentine's Day,

don't feel guilty, dig in!:

Eat Chocolate?

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy

two servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I

consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week. This

equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate

caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165

pounds.

So, without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing

about three months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

How Long?

When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became

engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.

"The first ten years are the hardest."

"How long have you been married?" she asked.

"Ten years," he replied.

Relatives

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying

a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither

of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband

asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Bad Date

Girls, you know you're on a bad date when:

* You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name

ain't Rockefeller, honey."

* You've never heard someone speak with such passion about

an ant farm.

* Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2".

* He's especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.

* He calls to tell you he'll pick you up as soon as the stand-

off with the police is over.

* He says he's been on Geraldo once and
Jerry Springer twice.

Valentine's Day Humor...

Love is Blind?

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, walked into this local pub.

He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes.

Phil felt flattered, so he walked up to the woman and said in his

deepest voice, "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just

$20, but there is one condition."

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if

in a trance, '"What's your condition?"

Phil answered, "Tell me your wish in just three words."

There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out

the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She

then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."

Be My Valentine

It was Valentine's Day and Jim and Danielle's first date. They sat in

the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start. The screen finally

lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.

Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began, but

the silence continued.

Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly

shouted, "Okay, who's got the remote control?"

A Garden Valentine

Cabbage always has a heart;

Green Beans string along.

You're such a Tomato,

Will you Peas to me belong?

You've been the Apple of my eye,

You know how much I care;

So Lettuce get together,

We'd make a perfect Pear.

Now, something's sure to Turnip,

To prove you can't be Beet;

So, if you Carrot all for me,

Let's let our Tulips meet.

Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,

Bee my Honey, dear;

Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,

While Sweet Corn lends an ear.

I'll Cauliflower shop and say

Your dreams are Parsley mine.

I'll work and share my Celery,

So be my Valentine.

- Author Unknown

Joke - Things Not To Say To Your Valentine's Date...

Things Not To Say To Your Valentine's Date

1. "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

2. "People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."

3. "I used to come here all the time with my ex."

4. "I didn't say you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it."

5. "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my
voice on the answering machine every hour.

6. "I like clay. It's mushy."

7. "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be
I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

8. "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

9. "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

10. "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people
I date just won't be as smart as I am."

Jokes for Valentine's Day...

Puns for Valentine's Day

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: "Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?"

Q: What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day?
A: "I love ewe!"

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What did one light bulb say to the other?
A: "I love you a whole watt!"

Q: What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A: Hog and kisses

Q: What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A: "I find you very attractive."

Q: What did one pickle say to the other?
A: "You mean a great dill to me."

Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: "I love you a ton!"

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: "Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey."

Q: What did one oar say to the other?
A: "Can I interest you in a little row-mance?"

1 1 1

Male: Do you love me?
Female: Yes, dear.
Male: Would you die for me?
Female: No. Mine is an undying love.


Female: Do you really love me, or do you just think you do?
Male: Honey, I really love you. I haven't done any thinking yet.

More Romantic Humor...

Such a Lovely Name

Two senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back
chatting.

Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last
night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too."

Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out, too. So what was the name
of this fine new eatery?"

Bernie says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name
of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorn bush?"

Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me... "

"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife...

"Rose, Rose, honey! What was the name of that little restaurant we ate at
last night?"

1 1 1

Sending Out Valentine's Day Cards

A fellow walks into a post office to see a middle-aged, balding man standing
at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes
with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts
spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity is getting the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing.

The man replies, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed,
'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Romantic Humor...

Valentine's Day jokes (and quotes) begin today! If you are looking for material for
cards or blogs, etc., snag away! Please give credit to author when it is provided.
Happy Love Season! Sending joy... Val =)

Romantic and Unromantic

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you're not.

Every time I see your face.
I wish I were in outer space.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in, to smell this way?

1 1 1

Reality TV

I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many
reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the
church, he turned to me and asked:

"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"