Joke - Three Irishmen in Heaven...

Three Irishmen in Heaven


It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time.

Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by Saint Patrick himself.
The saint said to the boys, "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to Heaven where
you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these
gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity."

Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire landscape was
encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, he stepped on one.

He was immediately joined by one of the homeliest colleens he'd ever laid
eyes on, and she said, "Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're
together for all time."

The exact same thing happened to Michael, only his companion was even
worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. He gingerly
managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on
a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over
and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he'd ever seen in
all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!?!"

The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either. I was walking
along minding my own business, when suddenly I stepped on a duck."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

St. Patrick's Day Jokes...

How Old Is He?

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late
at night, and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave.
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here
that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

* * *

Irish Job Application

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in
Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and since both applicants had
similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager. When the
results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview,
but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy replied, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions
correct. This is Ireland and I am Irish. Surely I should get the job?"

The manager explained, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers,
but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy.

The manager answered, "Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down,
'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

St. Patrick's Day Puns...

St. Patrick's Day Riddles and Puns


What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
Paddy O'Furniture.

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A sham rock.

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
When it's a French fry!

What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A poor horse is going barefoot!

Why did the elephant wear his green sneakers
instead of his red ones?
The red ones were in the wash.

Why is a river rich?
Because it has two banks.

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant.

What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
He gets wet.

What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A leper con.

What is a nuahcerpel?
A leprechaun spelled backwards!


Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish you a Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

St. Patrick's Day Jokes...

An Irish Bank Robber

It's Saint Patrick's Day and an armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland
and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot,
one brave, Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers
is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?!" screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively
raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.

c g c

Potato Garden

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't
know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it,
and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden! That's where I
buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden,
but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and
asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was, "Just plant your potatoes."

Jokes for St. Patrick's Day...

O'Shaughnessy Needs Time Off

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him
over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face
and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.

"To be sure it was, boss." he replied. "I just found out from Ireland that
my mother died earlier this morning."

"Gosh, that's awful." replied the foreman. "Do you want the rest of the
day off?"

"No," replied O'Shaughnessy, "I'll finish the day out."

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was
another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy
returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything
was alright.

"Boss, it's even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died
today, too!"


g g g


Sinkin' Barty

Barty was trapped in a bog, and seemed a goner, when Big Mick O'Reilly
wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

"Don't worry." assured Mick. "Next to The Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the
strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi
can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to
get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!...

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

Joke - Irish Sausages...

Irish Sausages, Please?

"Can I have some Irish sausages, please?" asked Seamus. "I want to make a
proper Irish hot dog."

The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I
asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked
you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I asked you
for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you, eh? Would you?"

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was
American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," came the response.

Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me
if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?!"

"Because you're in a blooming shoe shop," replied the assistant.

St. Patrick's Day Jokes...

No Hiding Place

Walking into the bar, Shamus said to O'Heir the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one.
I just had another fight with the little woman."

"O, bejabbers," said O'Heir, "and how did this one end?"

"Hah, when it was over," Shamus replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?!" cried O'Heir, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken."

1 1 1

Old Flame?

An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving
when she got pulled over by the Gardai, who asks her, "Ma'am did you know that
you were speeding?"

Irene turns to her husband, Mick, and enquires, "What did he say?"

Mick yells out, "He says you were speeding!"

The Garda said, "May I see your license, please, ma'am?"

Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, "What did he say?"

Once more, Mick, shouts out, "He wants to see your license!"

Irene gives the policeman her driving license.

The Garda retorts, "I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and
had the worst date of my life."

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, "What did he say?"

Mick yells very loudly, "He thinks he knows you!"

St. Patrick's Day Joke - Irish Calculating...

Irish Calculating?

Murphy and O'Brien go out into the woods where they come to a clearing and see an
abandoned well.

"I wonder how deep this well is?" Murphy asks.

O'Brien answers, "There's one way we could figure it out."

"What's that?" asks Murphy.

O'Brien explains, "We drop something down it, we time how long it takes to hit the bottom,
we multiply that times 32 feet per second squared, the rate at which objects fall in a
vacuum, subtract a little for wind resistance, and we've got the depth of the well."

"What are you going to drop down it?" Murphy asks.

Then O'Brien looks all around and he sees this big, heavy log lying on the ground. Next he
squats down by the log and, using his legs correctly, he gets it up onto his shoulders and
staggers over to the edge of the well, tips it up, and drops it into the well. They start to
count, "One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, three... "

SPLASH!!!!

"Three seconds!" yells Murphy.

O'Brien says, "Quick, multiply that, times 32 feet per second squared!"

"288 feet!" Murphy answers.

"Subtract a little for wind resistance, let's say 18 feet. The depth of that well is 270
feet deep."

As he is finishing the calculations, Murphy shouts, "LOOK OUT!!", and pushes O'Brien
backwards as a goat runs between them and jumps head first down the well.

"I've never seen anything like that!" Murphy exclaims.

Just then a farmer walks into the clearing and says, "What's going on here boys?"

O'Brien says, "We just figured out the depth of this well to be about 270 feet deep and
then the strangest thing happened. A goat ran between the two of us and jumped head
first down into the well."

"Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats," the farmer says.

"How do you know it wasn't?" asks Murphy.

And the farmer says, "Because all of my goats are tethered to big, heavy logs."