Joke - Bass Boat...

Bass Boat

A good ol' Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What
ya gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here!"

He says, "I won it... and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the
wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field
behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother
sitting in a bass boat, with a fishing rod in his hand, in the
middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'! What does it look like I'm
doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Arkansas a bad name! Yer makin' everybody think we's stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whoop you!"

 

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

* A woman says she's game, so you shoot her.

* Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

* Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

* Stealing road signs is a family outing.

* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

* The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than

five years ago.

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool

Whip on the side.

* The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

* The most common phrase in your house is "someone go jiggle

the handle."

* The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

* The words Nascar, tire, dog, or shotgun appeared in your

wedding vows.

* There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

* There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack

hanging in your truck.

* You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

* You can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a

fly swatter.

* You clean your house with a water hose.

* You proposed in a Denny's.

* You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

* You come home from the garbage dump with more than you

went with.

* None of these jokes are making sense to you.

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

 You hid Easter eggs under cow pies last year.

 Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".

 You've got more than one brother named Darryl.

 Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.

 You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

 Your dad calls you "Chip" and walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.

 You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.

 You have plastic flowers in a bathroom fixture in your
front yard.

 You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's
a law against it.

 Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

 Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 You can smash a beer can on your imaginary friend's
forehead, and it works!

 You leave beer and pickled pig's feet for Santa.

 You spelled something wrong out in Christmas lights.

 You go up a water tower with a can of paint to protect
your sister.

 You have a deer head anywhere in your vehicle.

Can you add any?

Redneck Humor...

Redneck Humor

Q: What do rednecks call "Hee Haw"?

A: A documentary.

Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?

A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Q: Why did God invent armadillos?

A: So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

Counseling - Redneck Style

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a small boat and fishing out on a lake.

They are chewing tobacco and drinking beer, when Bubba suddenly says,

"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over two

months."

Earl spits, sips his beer, and says, "Better think it over... women like that

are hard to find."

Calling 911 - Redneck Style

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told
Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag
her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Joke - Bubba Hang-glides....

Bubba Hang-glides

Bubba decides to take up hang-gliding. He saves up and buys a

brand new glider.

He takes his new hang-glider to the highest mountain, and after

struggling to the top, he is ready to take flight! He takes off

running and reaches the edge. Into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Hicks are sittin' on the porch swing

talkin' 'bout the good ol' days, when Ma spots the biggest bird

she ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Pa!" she exclaims.

Pa raises up,"Git my gun, Ma!"

She runs into the house and comes back with his pump shotgun.

He grabs the gun and takes careful aim. BANG... BANG... BANG... BANG!

The monster-sized bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Pa," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba."

 

More of You Might be a Redneck If...

You Might be a Redneck If...

* On stag night, you take a real deer.
* You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
* Your back porch is bigger than your house.
* There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
* A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your
cowboy hat.
* An expired license plate means another decoration
for your living room wall.
* You think 'Old Yeller' is a movie about your brother’s tooth.
* You watch 'Little House on the Prairie' for decorating tips.
* Your secret family recipe is illegal.
* You've ever used a bathtub as a punch bowl.
* You broke a toe when you dropped your belt buckle on it.
* You've ever worn flip-flops to a funeral home.
* You have visitation rights to a dog.
* Your voice changed while you were in the second grade.
* Your wedding invitations say "Same time, same place".
* You list dogs as dependants on your tax forms.
* Your taxidermist also does your taxes.
* You love lard sandwiches.
* You've ever let your dog babysit your kids.
* Your security system is the latch on your screen door.
* Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event.
* You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them at
your bug zapper.
* Your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets.
* There are more things growing in your refrigerator than in
your yard.
* Your favorite restaurant has sawdust on the floor.
* You've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs.
* You've ever put a race car on a prayer list.
* You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.
* You've used a barstool as a walker.
* You flush the toilet and the dog thinks you're giving him
fresh water.
* You think your dashboard is the best pace to keep
your hats.
* You're driving a vehicle that has no original body parts.
* Your favorite recipe includes Vienna Sausages.

Which one made you laugh the hardest? Can you add any?

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* Your wife can't fix you dinner because she has cheerleading practice.
* Slamming the door on your truck creates an instant sunroof.
* You paint your car with house paint.
* Stealing road signs is a family outing.
* Fancy eating-out involves drivin' to the next window.
* You have ever financed a tattoo.
* Your side-by-side refrigerator consist of two Igloo coolers.
* Your child's first pet was a chicken.
* You think God looks like Hank Williams, Jr.
* You have more guns than teeth.
* Your baby's first words were "Attention, KMart shoppers".
* You use your belt buckle as identification.
* Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
* Your family tree doesn't fork.
* You've ever used your fishing license as a form of identification.
* You missed your graduation because your kids were sick.
* You refer to fifth grade as "my senior year".
* Somebody yells "Hoe down!" and your wife hits the floor.
* You mow your lawn and find three junk cars under the weeds.
* Your youngest kid calls you "Uncle Daddy".
* Your church cancels services when deer hunting season opens.
* You trace your family tree and find that somehow
you are your own grandpa.
* You own 5 cars, but only one of them runs.
* Your cousin buys a new house and you have to go help
take the wheels off of it.

Joke - Bubba Calls 911...

Bubba Calls 911

Betty Jo passed away right sudden like, and Bubba, he called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out
right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "Down 'ere at the end o' Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I
drag her on over to Oak Street and you pick her up there... "

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

More of You Might Be A Redneck If...

* You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front of her kids.
* The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas is in it.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
* Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey guys, watch this... "
* You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
* Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
* You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are,
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
* The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
* You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
* One of your kids was born on a pool table.
* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
The House of Tattoos.
* You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
* The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
* Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
* Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
* You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
* You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
* You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
* You have a rag for a gas cap.
* Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
* You can spit without opening your mouth.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls that say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
* You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
* You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
* You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
* You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Joke - Dear Bubba...

Dear Bubba

(A Redneck Letter)

Dear Bubba, This is your Mama. I'm writing this letter slow because I know you

can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read

in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so

we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas

family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they

wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so

well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them

since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three

days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too

heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in

the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took

him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I

don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he

fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for

three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving.

He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were

in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mama

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Joke - How to Install a Redneck Home Security System

How to Install a Redneck Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Big Momma, Slim and I went for more ammo and some beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed
him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all
the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

Joke - Redneck Goes To College

Redneck Goes To College

Two redneck pals, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking
beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I'm going to the community
college and signing up for some classes."

Bob agrees it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes - Math,
English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim asks. "What's that?"

The Dean explains, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a
weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think you
have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the Dean continues, "Because you have a yard, I think,
logically, that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, logically, you might have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically, you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing! You were able to find all that
out because I have a weed eater!"

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes - how he
is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob asks, "What is that?"

Jim explains, "I will give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you are a homosexual."

Joke - The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Lyrics

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Lyrics

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.

2. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

3. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

4. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The
Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.

5. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.



6. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight,
Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

8. I'm So Miserable Without You,
It's Like Having You Here.

9. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On
My Back and Cryin' Over You.

10. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To,
I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).



12. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

13. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend,
And I Sure Do Miss Him.

14. Please Bypass This Heart.

15. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

16. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

Joke - Farmer's Divorce

Farmer's Divorce

A farmer walks into an attorney's office wanting
to file for a divorce. The attorney asks, "May I help you?"

The farmer answers, "Yea, I want to get
one of those day-vorce's."

The attorney asks, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer replies, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney says, "No, you don't understand,
do you have a case?"

The farmer says, "No, I don't have a Case,
but I got a John Deere."

"No you don't understand," replies the attorney,
"I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer says, "Yea I got a grudge,
that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney says, "No sir, I mean
do you have a suit?"

The farmer replies, "Yes sir, I got a suit.
I wear to the church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney asks, "Well sir, does
your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer replies, "No sir, we both
get up about 4:30."

Finally the attorney asks, "Okay, let me put it
this way - WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer answers, "Well, I can never
have a meaningful conversation with her."

Joke - 21st Birthday

21st Birthday

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb... "

Joke - Two Bubbas Ice Fish

Two Bubbas Ice Fish

There were two Bubbas from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off for up North.

The lakes were frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.

One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got one and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

The fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't.

He sold him the picks, and the guy left.

In about an hour, he was back. "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," said the one Bubba, "we don't even have the boat in the water yet."

Joke - You Could Be A Redneck If...

You Could Be A Redneck If...

* You have more fingers than you do teeth.
* You cut your grass and find a car.
* You consider Denny's a fancy restaurant.
* Your best suit contains more than 5 colors.
* Your age is higher than your I.Q..
* Your favorite pickup line is:
"Does this look infected to you?"
* You ask your wife whether the spot
on your neck is a boil or a mole
and she replies, "It's a gummy bear."
* You have a family reunion and
everyone in town shows up.
* You say, "Watch this!" prior
to each hospital visit.
* Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
* You can entertain yourself for more than
an hour with a fly swatter.
* You've ever been pumping gas and another
customer asks you to check his oil.
* You think the Bud Bowl is real.
* Your dog goes "oink!"
* You think the Nutcracker is something
you did off the high dive.
* Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
* You know how to milk a goat.
* Your kids have three-day
old Kool-Aid mustaches.
* Your TV gets 512 channels, but you
go outside to use the bathroom.
* Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
* You have a refrigerator just for beer.
* You come back from the dump
with more than you took.
* Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
* You've ever worn cowboy boots
with Bermuda shorts.
* You don't think baseball players
spit and scratch too much.
* You think the Styrofoam cooler is the
greatest invention of all time.

Redneck Logic

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life so they thought they would go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take this logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"