Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

 

"Why do we call them buildings when they're finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?"

- Author Unknown

"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can
get shot while getting shot... "

- Chris Rock

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.
I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."

- J. D. Salinger

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

- Peter Vries

"The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so
he can tell when he's really in trouble."

- Justine Vogt

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.
He told me to wear a brown tie."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out
of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

- Jay Leno

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."

- Will Rogers

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up Button."

- Sam Levenson

 

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”
- Lenny Bruce

“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we
had our own coroner. We used to write essays like:
What I’m going to be if I grow up.”
- Lenny Bruce

"The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can
do that dramatic removal."
- Jim Gaffigan

"Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

"A man in the house is worth two in the street."
- Mae West

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he's finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it."
- Steven Wright

"Accept that some days you are the pigeon,
and some days you are the statue."
- David Brent

"There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery.
You can't do any business from there."
- Colonel Sanders

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes


"Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver."
- William James

"Some people are like Slinkies...
not really good for anything, but you can't help
smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
- Author Unknown

"Whenever I fill out an application,
in the part that says, 'If an emergency, notify:'
I put 'DOCTOR'. What's my mother going to do?"
- Author Unknown

"There has been much tragedy in my life;
at least half of it actually happened."
- Mark Twain

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for
most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
- Theodore Roosevelt

"Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel.
Stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself."
- Author Unknown

"Pay no attention to what the critics say;
no statue has ever been erected to a critic."
- Jean Sibelius

"Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted."
- Bob Monkhouse

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
- Author Unknown

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two."
- Norman Wisdom


 

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I recorded a song called 'I Fall to Pieces', and I

was in a car wreck. Now I'm really worried because I

have a brand-new record, and it's called 'Crazy'."

- Patsy Cline

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

- Steven Wright

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said

'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw

a sign that said 'compact cars'."

- Steven Wright

"I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,

'There's water in the carburetor.' I said,

'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.'"

- Henny Youngman

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the

cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

- Lenny Bruce

"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are

like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone."

- Lenny Bruce

"If it can't be fixed with duct tape or WD-40,

it's a female problem."

- Jason Love

"Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father

was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John."

- Jim Gaffigan

"I was watching the Animal Planet.

Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby?

Why don't they just call that one the female?"

- Jim Gaffigan

"There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is

a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud."

- Carl Sandburg

Funny Quotes...

10 Best One-Liners

These were taken from Reader's Digest Online:

"Just between you and me, I think 'everything bagels'

are making a lot of promises they can't keep."

- Author Unknown

"I'm coming out with a condensed phone book.

It has only one number in it: 411."

- Craig Sharf

"If the customer is always right,

then why isn't everything free?"

- Myq Kaplan

"When someone tells you that something defies description,

you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway."

- Clyde B. Aster

"Of course I can keep secrets. It's the people I tell

them to who can't keep them."

- Anthony Haden-Guest

"I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations.

What do their screen savers look like?"

- Derick Lengwenus

"If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated,

why are they still working in a poster factory?"

- Jody Rohlena

"I don't know how to speed read. Instead,

I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward."

- Craig Sharf

"The nice thing about meditation is that it makes

doing nothing quite respectable."

- Paul Dean

"I got mugged by a magician. It's not funny - He took my wallet,

my watch, and every silver dollar I had behind my ear."

- Craig Baldo

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"To be or not to be. That's not really a question."

- Jean-Luc Godard

"Have enough sense to know, ahead of time,

when your skills will not extend to wallpapering."

- Marilyn vos Savant

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

- Jim Carrey

"A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions

your wife asks for nothing."

- Joey Adams

"The poets have been mysteriously silent

on the subject of cheese."

- G. K. Chesterton

"Writing books is the closest

men ever come to childbearing."

- Norman Mailer

"Never get a mime talking. He won't stop."

- Marcel Marceau

"I haven't slept for 10 days,

because that would be too long."

- Mitch Hedberg

"Last year I donated a fruitcake to the Salvation Army.

I got it back this year from our local food bank."

- Dana Bate  (from Vagabond Journeys)

"In order to make an apple pie from scratch,

you must first create the universe."

- Carl Sagan

"My theory is that all Scottish cuisine

is based on a dare."

- Mike Myers

"Don't look back.

Something might be gaining on you."

- Satchel Paige

Funny Steven Wright Quotes...

 

Funny Steven Wright Quotes

"How does the guy who drives the snowplough get

to work in the mornings?"

"If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make

TEFLON stick to the pan?"

"Why are there flotation devices under plane

seats instead of parachutes?"

"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the

softness of the bread."

"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

"If Barbie is so popular,

why do you have to buy her friends?"

"How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?"

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms

from the statues that are in all the other museums."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!"

"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."