Joke - Drive On...

Drive On

A group of retirees were discussing their medical problems over

coffee one morning.

"Do you realize," said one, "my arm is so weak I can hardly hold

this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know," replied the second. "My cataracts are so bad I

can hardly see to pour the coffee."

"I can't turn my head," rejoined the third, "because of the

arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy," commented the fourth,

adding, "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad," piped up the first. "We should be thankful

that we can still drive."

Joke - Old Woman Driving...

Old Woman Driving

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State

Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to

himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on

his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in

the front seat and three in the back – wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand.

I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know

that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other

drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing the speed limit exactly -

twenty-two miles an hour, ” the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that

“22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the

woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am,” the officer says, “I have to ask,

is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they

haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.”

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Joke - Fitness for Seniors...

Fitness for Seniors

I came across this exercise, suggested for seniors, to build

muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems easy,

so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggests trying to

do the exercise three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have

plenty of room on each side of your body.

With a five-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms

straight out from each side, and hold them there as long as you

can. Try to reach a full minute, then put down your arms and

relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position just

a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to ten-pound sacks. Next,

move up to 50-pound sacks, and eventually try to get to 100-

pound sacks in each hand, while holding your arms straight

for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of

the sacks.

Joke - Girlfriends' Lunch Out...

Girlfriends' Lunch Out

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should

meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet

at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waiters there were

very good looking.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again

discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed

that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the

food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and

the waiters were cute.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group once again

discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed

that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they

could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful

view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again

discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed

that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the

restaurant was wheelchair accessible, they even had an elevator,

and the waiters were kindly.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again

discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed

that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they

had never been there before.

- thanks to Anne !

Joke - Elderly Driving...

Elderly Driving

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over
for speeding and this drama unfolds:

Elderly Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Elderly Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Elderly Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Elderly Woman: I lost it - four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Elderly Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Elderly Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Elderly Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Elderly Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk
if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back-up.

Within minutes, five police cars circle the elderly lady's car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please?!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Elderly Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen
this car and murdered the owner.
Elderly Woman: Murdered the owner?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing that it's empty.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Elderly Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claim that you do not
have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse containing
her license and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, you stole this car, and you
murdered and hacked up the owner.
Elderly Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

* Thanks, Donna!

Growing Old Humor...

Growing Old Humor

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied, "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

******

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

******

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

******

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded,
and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
I have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

******

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

******

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

******

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.

Joke - Oldies...

Oldies...

Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are
on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies":

Paul Simon... "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon... "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees... "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack... "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash... "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations... "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra... "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA... "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer... "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores... "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem... "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan... "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits... "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival... "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye... "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who... "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs... "Bald Thing"

Thanks for these, Anne =)!!

Joke - The Hypnotist...

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the old folk's home.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'"

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch,
watch the watch, watch the watch... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the old people's home...

Aging Humor...

Aging Humor

Elderly Humor...

Elderly Humor

Senior Driving

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77! Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

* * * * * * * *

Fairies & Younger Women

A couple had been married for 35 years and was celebrating the husband's
60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been
such a loving couple for so many years, she would give them one wish
each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten
to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."

The fairy waved her wand and, ~POOF~, she had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn.

He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a
woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and, ~POOF~, he was 90.

Joke - The Deaf Wife

The Deaf Wife

A man is talking to his family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf,"
he replies.

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test
her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.
If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating
this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of
hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's
for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until
he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having
MEATLOAF!"