Joke - Elderly Driving...

Elderly Driving

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over
for speeding and this drama unfolds:

Elderly Woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Elderly Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license, please?
Elderly Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Elderly Woman: I lost it - four years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?
Elderly Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Elderly Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Elderly Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Elderly Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk
if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back-up.

Within minutes, five police cars circle the elderly lady's car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please?!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Elderly Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen
this car and murdered the owner.
Elderly Woman: Murdered the owner?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing that it's empty.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Elderly Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claim that you do not
have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse containing
her license and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, you stole this car, and you
murdered and hacked up the owner.
Elderly Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

* Thanks, Donna!

Joke - Things Not To Say When Stopped By A Cop...

Things Not To Say When Stopped By A Cop...

1. "I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer." (OK in Texas)

2. "Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in."

3. "Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?"

4. "Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!"

5. "Are you Andy or Barney?"

6. "I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer?!"

7. "You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?"

8. "I pay your salary!"

9. "Gee, officer, that’s terrific!! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!"

10. When the officer says, “Gee, son, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?”
You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee, officer, your eyes look glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?”

Joke - Driving Through Texas...

Driving Through Texas

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down
the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, “Why’d you do that?"

The trooper answers, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your
license ready.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him
with the nightstick.

Startled, the passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop replies, “Just making your wishes come true.”

The passenger says, “Huh?”

The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say,
"I wish that sucker would’ve tried that stuff with me!"