Funny Quotes...

More Funny Quotes from Reader's Digest

These can be found at Reader's Digest online.

"I think the Discovery Channel should be on a

different channel every day."

- Craig Sharf

"My friend is a procrastinator.

He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th."

- Craig Sharf

"The meek shall inherit the earth...

if it's okay with the rest of you."

- Don Ainey

"Apéritif: French for 'a set of dentures'."

- Author Unknown

"I already regret my choice of Juilliard

to win the NCAA."

- Shap Sweeney

"Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums.

They get killed on the road."

- Richard Klimkiewicz

"My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills that he

can take, but he can't get them out of the bottle."

- Brian Kiley

"I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone."

- Stewart Francis

"It's always weird to meet your stunt double.

It's like looking into a mirror where the other

you took care of yourself."

- Actor/Comic Brian Posehn

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic,

insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to

decide if there really was a dog!"

- Jack Gray

"What does zero say to eight? 'Nice belt'"

- Traci Ohren

"Did you hear about the self-help group for

compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon."

- Sally Davis

"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Someone told him to get a long little doggy."

- Savanna Smith

Fun and Funny Quotes About Life...

Fun and Funny Quotes About Life

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea

that life is serious."

- Brendan Gill

"There are good days and there are bad days,

and this is one of them."

- Lawrence Welk

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting

what one wants, and the other is getting it."

- Oscar Wilde

"After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space

would say, "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.'"

- William S. Burroughs

"Life is like eating artichokes: you have got to go

through so much to get so little."

- Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win

you're still a rat."

- Lily Tomlin

"Life doesn't imitate art - it imitates bad television."

- Woody Allen

"When we remember we are all mad,

the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

- Mark Twain

"An autobiography is the story of how a man thinks he lived."

- Herbert Samuel

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."

- Truman Capote

Fun and Funny Quotes From Sports Figures...

Fun and Funny Quotes From Sports Figures

“I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally

on the left side.”

- soccer player David Beckham, when asked if

he was a “volatile” player.

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited

the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.

"You guys line up alphabetically by height," and...

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

“Half this game is ninety-percent mental.”

- Danny Ozark,

Philadelphia Phillies manager

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

- New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers, when asked

about the upcoming season.

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

- Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,

recounting what he told a player who received

four Fs and one D.

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver,

on his coach, John Jenkins.

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

- Frank Layden, Utah Jazz President, on a former player.

"Because she is too dang ugly to kiss good-bye!"

- Oiler coach, Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob

Cost why he takes his wife on all road trips.

"There's more to boxing than hitting.

There's no getting hit, for instance."

- Boxer George Foreman

Upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Redskins say:

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said:

"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Funny George Carlin Quotes...

Funny George Carlin Quotes

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean
the circus has left town."
=)
"Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is
an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?"
=)
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and
settled for very little."
=)
"There's no present.
There's only the immediate future and the recent past."
=)
"The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions."
=)
"No one knows what's next, but everybody does it."
=)
"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts."
=)
"Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for
them while they deliver the mail?"
=)
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
=)
"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace.
What we need are ovations where the audience members
all punch and kick one another."
=)
"It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work,
and the butterfly gets all the glory."
=)
"George Washington’s brother, Lawrence,
was the Uncle of Our Country."
=)
“'No comment' is a comment."
=)
"Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that."
=)
"Hooray for most things!"