Joke - English School...

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the
other students there. After he had been there a month, his
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful,
noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

A Funny - Test Mistakes...

Test Mistakes

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,
submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high
school, and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what
weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time
and grades.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”

“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration,
and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire.”

“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body
until the heart stops.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.
If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until
it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

Back-To-School Jokes...

Back-To-School Jokes

These were collected from Reader's Digest online.

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade

teachers were named Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One

morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a

flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company

and I'm keeping her home."

- submitted By Merri Lee Colvin

*****

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i.

Millie: I is ...

Teacher: No Millie. Always say, "I am."

Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

*****

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I

work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his

classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him

mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer

moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get

this kid out of his locker."

- submitted by Helen Button

*****

Danny was hard to miss at our school. A Civil War buff

who forever wore his Confederate overcoat, he was a friend

to all. When he was passed over during the vote for senior

superlatives, many of us were disappointed; surely there

must have been a category suitable for him.

The whole school was pleased, therefore, when the

yearbook adviser surprised us with an additional photo.

There was Danny, decked out in his gray coat, with the

caption: "Most Likely to Secede".

- submitted by Michael G. Stewart

*****

Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign.

I was pulled over by a police officer, who recognized me as

his former English teacher.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not

commas."

- submitted by Gail Brown

*****

I'm a high school geometry teacher and I started one lesson

on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an

exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than

the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior

angles."

I noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked

him why. "Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you

start speaking English."

- submitted by Patricia Strickland

*****

While working in the library at a university, I was often

shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of

paying their fees for overdue books. One evening an older

student returned two books that were way overdue and

threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2 fee that I asked her to

pay. I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but

she insisted she should be exempt. "You don't understand,"

she blurted out. "I didn't even read them!"

- sumbitted by Alison Satterfield

Joke - The Final Exam...

The Final Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course

at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to

weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class.

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were

provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that

any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would

not be accepted and the student would fail.

One-half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and

asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to

have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the

student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began

writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the

students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student,

who continued writing.

One-half hour later, the last student came up to the professor

who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He

attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already

there.

The professor snapped, "No you don't. I'm not going to accept

that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and asked angrily, "Do you know

who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with

an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student repeated.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of

superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of

completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the

room.

Jokes...

Substitute Teacher

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new
substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against
a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of
his locker."

********

Belly Buttons Explained

Q: How do babies get their bellly buttons?

A: When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row.
Then He walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the
tummy with His finger and says, "Your'e done... you're done...
you're done... "