Grits
What Grits Are:
Nobody knows. Many people feel that Grits are made
from ground-up bits of white corn. This is obviously a lie. Nothing
as good as Grits can be made from corn.
The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God
rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai
Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no
record of butter, salt, or cheese raining down from the sky, and
that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without
these key ingredients.
How Grits Are Formed:
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure.
It takes over 1,000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's
Grit mines are in Southern Georgia, and are guarded day and night by
armed guards and fierce attack dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a
dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each
year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for
breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the
question). Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grit. They
call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients
of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. This
synthetic Grit has also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave
you unable to have children.
Historical Grits:
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by
the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, the Grit
was not heard from for another 1,000 years. Experts feel that the Grit
was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies,
and was kept from thepublic due to its rarity. The next mention of the
Grit was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a
woman's personal diary. The woman's name was
Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends).
The 10 Commandments Of Grits:
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife.
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits.
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V.Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits.
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
X. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either.
How To Cook Grits:
For one serving of Grits, boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a
little butter. Add 5 TBsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the
Grits to soak up all the water. That's all there is to cooking Grits.
How To Eat Grits:
Immediately after removing your Grits from the stove top, add a
generous portion of butter (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter).
The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow.
(Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the
colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) Next, add salt.
(NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1. Therefore, for
every 10 Grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.) Cheese is optional.
However if you wish to add cheese, cut it into 1/4' squares and add
immediately before you eat your Grits. You do not want your cheese
to melt completely.
Now begin eating your Grits.
Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your Grits should be
thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is milk or chocolate milk.
(WARNING: Use whole milk only - DO NOT use 2% or, Heaven forbid,
skim milk.) Coffee with Grits is acceptable, but is frowned upon by true
Grits aficionados.
Ways To Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover Grits are extremely rare) Spread them on the bottom of a
casserole dish, cover, and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice
the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter
until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour
syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
From Val: I thought this was hysterical. I LOVE grits. Do you like grits?
If you like grits, where do you live/where did you grow up? How do you
eat them? I eat mine the way they describe, but I also add lots of
pepper. I never tried cheese. I am going to!
In loving Memory of Chuck
