Joke - The Lettuce Garden

The Lettuce Garden

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:

"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

Quotes on Patience

Quotes on Patience

"Adopt the pace of nature:
her secret is patience."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"How can a society that exists on instant
mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners,
and instant cameras teach patience to its young?"
- Paul Sweeney

"Patience is the ability to count
down before you blast off."
- author unknown

"For the friendship of two,
the patience of one is required."
- Indian Proverb

"What we need is a cup of understanding,
a barrel of love, and an ocean of patience."
- St. Francis de Sales

Joke - You Could Be A Redneck If...

You Could Be A Redneck If...

* You have more fingers than you do teeth.
* You cut your grass and find a car.
* You consider Denny's a fancy restaurant.
* Your best suit contains more than 5 colors.
* Your age is higher than your I.Q..
* Your favorite pickup line is:
"Does this look infected to you?"
* You ask your wife whether the spot
on your neck is a boil or a mole
and she replies, "It's a gummy bear."
* You have a family reunion and
everyone in town shows up.
* You say, "Watch this!" prior
to each hospital visit.
* Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
* You can entertain yourself for more than
an hour with a fly swatter.
* You've ever been pumping gas and another
customer asks you to check his oil.
* You think the Bud Bowl is real.
* Your dog goes "oink!"
* You think the Nutcracker is something
you did off the high dive.
* Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
* You know how to milk a goat.
* Your kids have three-day
old Kool-Aid mustaches.
* Your TV gets 512 channels, but you
go outside to use the bathroom.
* Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
* You have a refrigerator just for beer.
* You come back from the dump
with more than you took.
* Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
* You've ever worn cowboy boots
with Bermuda shorts.
* You don't think baseball players
spit and scratch too much.
* You think the Styrofoam cooler is the
greatest invention of all time.

Joke - The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?! What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?! It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

Joke - Whose Child?

Whose Child?

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"