Christmas Jokes...

How To Make a Holiday Fruitcake

You'll need the following: four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of
baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle
or two of rum.

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. If it's good, let's get started.

Take a large bowl, and a measuring cup. Check the rum again. To be sure it is the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. Turn on
the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one seapoon
of thugar, and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum has retained it's fine
quality. Cry another tup. Open a second quart if necessary.

Turn off the mixer. Break two arge leggs, and add to the bowl, and chuck in the cup
of fried druit. Mix on the turner, and beat till high. If the fried druit gets stuck in
the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to check for
tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of pepper or salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the rum.
Now sift the lemon juice, and strain the nuts. Fold in some chopped butter. Add one
table. Spoon. Of brown thugar or whatever color you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 gredees. Don't for get to beat off the
turner. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Feed to your goat. Check
the rum again, and bo to ged.

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Christmas Present

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking
at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the
figures.

Immediately, Pastor Mike turned toward the church to call the police. But as he was
about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure
of the little infant Jesus.

Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little
infant?"

Jimmy answered, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to
little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would
give him a ride around the block in it."

Christmas Jokes...

Lady and Santa

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady
walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very
nicely at him, so he asked her, "What do you want for Christmas?"

"Something for my mother, please," said the young lady.

Santa said, "Something for your mother? Well, that is very
thoughtful of you. What do you want me to bring her?"

Without blinking, she answered, "A son-in-law."

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Diamonds for Christmas

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said,
"I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive
vehicles."

"She did," he replied, "but where was I going to find a fake
Jeep?"

Joke - How to Confuse Santa Claus...

How to Confuse Santa Claus

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think
he could stand to lose a few pounds.
*

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
*

Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would
mind watering your plants
*

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Wait and see
what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
*

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees
a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
*

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof holding signs that say 'We
hate Christmas' and 'Go away Santa'.
*

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and
sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
*

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says,
'For The Tooth Fairy'. Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a
few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, 'For Santa'.
*

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives,
show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the
scene of the crime."
*

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Two Christmas Jokes...

Dreaming of Diamonds

On Christmas morning a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave
me a beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening just before opening presents, the husband came home with a small
package and gave it to his wife.

In anticipation, she opened it only to find a book entitled,
'The Meaning of Dreams'.

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Praying For Christmas Presents

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparent's home. At bedtime,
the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one
began praying at the top of his lungs:

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... "

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why
are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, But Gramma is!!"

Joke - Top 10 Uses for Holiday Fruitcakes...

Top 10 Uses For Holiday Fruitcakes

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U. S. Air Force. Let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.


Do you like fruitcake? Can you add to the list?

Joke - Holiday Songs for the Mentally Impaired

Holiday Songs for the Mentally Impaired
(or the Christmas Nut)

Schizophrenia:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia:
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic:
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic:
Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And
Stores And Offices And Towns And Cars And Buses And Trucks
And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...

Paranoid:
Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Borderline Personality:
Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

Personality Disorder:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Joke - Christmas for the Optimist and Pessimist

Christmas for the Optimist and Pessimist

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one
felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud,
the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was
an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Eve while the twins were sleeping,
their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

Christmas morning, the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting
amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I
can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will
eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of
manure.

"Why are you so happy?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

Joke - A Holiday Divorce

A Holiday Divorce

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However,
I don't want to discuss it over the phone. I'm merely telling you because you're my
oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing
Mama."

The son is shocked and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama like this after 54 years together.
What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought
you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore. Please call your sister
and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe
me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come
to a decision. I have an appointment with my lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me
you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer
until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't
bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and
her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in
Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it
on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well Sahna,
it worked this time, but what are we going to do next time to get them to come home
for the holidays?"

Christmas Jokes...

First Ham

A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham
to celebrate their first Christmas, she carefully cut off each end
before placing it in the pan.

Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't
know - it's what my mother always did. I can ask her."

She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it,
so I did the same."

They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma,
who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

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Christmas Stamps

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "Goodness! Has it come to this? Give me six Catholic,
12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Christmas Jokes...

Shopping For A Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the
last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, "Excuse me, do these
turkeys get any bigger?"

"No," he replied, "they're all dead."

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Christmas Spirit

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the
prisoner who was in the dock, "What are you charged with?"

The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

"That's no crime," said the magistrate. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the shop opened," answered the prisoner.

Joke - Christmas Shopping for Men...

Christmas Shopping for Men

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems...

Rule #1
When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one.
I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never
have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or
socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your
ratchet?” “OK. By the way, are you done with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again,
no one knows why.

Rule #3
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper,
a small bottle of de-icer, or something to hang from his rear-view mirror. Men love
gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was
told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he would not have invented
Jockey shorts.

Rule #5
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If
you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the
corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard
for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I’m told
they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8
Buy men label makers. They are almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple
of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will
ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home
Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and
Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he
doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey,
isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane?! Wow! Thanks!!”)

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him
a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.
Oh the thrill! The challenge! "Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts”. Everyone knows
why.

Rule #13
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know
why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never
buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy
Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows
why.

Joke - Christmas at a Monastery...

Christmas at a Monastery


At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at
Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to
be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed
potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for
365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael has his turn and says, "I think the mashed
potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence ensues for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas,
Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"