Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day...

How Many Ducks?

On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was

carrying a bag on his back.

"What's in the bag?" asked Paddy.

"I'm not going to tell," replied Murphy.

"Go on, do." pleaded Paddy.

"Ah, all right then, it's ducks." announced Murphy.

"If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will

 you give me one of them?" enquired Paddy.

"Look," said Murphy, "if you guess the correct number,

 I'll give you both of them."

"Five!" said Paddy triumphantly.

*****

Not Guilty

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank

 robbery.

After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and

 announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted O'Gara. "Does that mean I get to

 keep the money?"

Joke - Fairy Tale...

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-
assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell on me. One kiss
from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince
that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping
in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean
my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't think so!"

Joke - Party Entertainment...

Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out - a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal
if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they
headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having
a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an
hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic
and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window
and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She
watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider repeating this performance for the
children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE!
FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?!"



A Vagabond's Song...

A Vagabond's Song

I was baptized by New York City sleet and tempered in

New England snow.

I walked among the ancient rocks and pondered nature's

  hieroglyphs.

I watched the silver snake ford the brook.

  I fought. My spear was inscribed with sacred runes.

  I gather knowledge from books and birds and children at play.

  I respect the mystic myths.

  I know when there's love and when there isn't.

  I can hear the echoes of my struggling ancestors.

  Those who saw me sit and stare and said I was a worthless

dreamer are gone.

I survived the silent sirens.

  Now I sit and stare and while I sit I think, I imagine, I write,

I design, I survive because I can.

There is inexpressible music in my head, poetry in my heart

and a sense of humor in my pocket.

I am a child of the universe.

  I am not worthless.

- written and posted by permission

 from DB at Vagabond Journeys


Please visit DB!  You won't be disappointed!!

Fun and Funny Quotes...

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Tear my heart out, slow roast me over a fire, pull off my
eyebrows strand by strand, push pins though my fingernails...
do anything to me, anything but a Monday."

- Prabhudoss Samuel

C=

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

- Paula Poundstone

C=

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go, 'Aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But
you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in."

- Tommy Cooper

C=

"If your boss is getting you down, look at him through
the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail."

- David Brent

C=

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

- George Carlin

C=

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...
If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said,
'Alright... you're ugly too!'"

- Rodney Dangerfield

C=

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have
my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

- Groucho Marx

C=

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk
comes out of my nose."

- Woody Allen

C=

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled
for a reason."

- Jerry Seinfeld