Joke - A Divorce for the Holidays...

A Divorce for the Holidays

Art calls his son in NY and says, "Dean, I have something to tell you However, I don't want to discuss it I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Thanksgiving. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after Thanksgiving. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Art receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.

"Dean told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Art promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Art turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Christmas."

Joke - Human Race

Human Race

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race appear?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers."

Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs...

Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle." (Must have been a test)

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'" He said,"'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too da** ugly to kiss good-by"

Humorous Quotes...

Humorous Quotes

"I used to have Mad Cow's disease,
but I'm alright Nooooooooow."
- Billy Connolly

"Every fight is a food fight
when you're a cannibal."
- Demetri Martin

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always
was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought
the dog was telling me to kill my father."
- Wendy Leibman

"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank
is bad, but when I went in the other day
and asked the clerk to check my balance...
she leaned over and pushed me."
- author unknown

"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an
operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."
- Henny Youngman

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile
in his shoes. After that, who cares?...
He's a mile away and you've got his shoes."
- Billy Connolly

Joke - Missing Husband...

Missing Husband

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She said to him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday...