Joy In The Rain

Joke - Party Entertainment...

2012-01-23T10:32:00.000-05:00

Party Entertainment

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out - a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry
for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal
if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they
headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having
a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an
hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic
and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to
entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window
and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She
watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips,
and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous! I have never seen such a thing. Do you think
your friend would consider repeating this performance for the
children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE!
FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?!"

A Vagabond's Song...

2012-01-22T11:34:00.001-05:00

A Vagabond's Song

I was baptized by New York City sleet and tempered in

New England snow.

I walked among the ancient rocks and pondered nature's

hieroglyphs.

I watched the silver snake ford the brook.

I fought. My spear was inscribed with sacred runes.

I gather knowledge from books and birds and children at play.

I respect the mystic myths.

I know when there's love and when there isn't.

I can hear the echoes of my struggling ancestors.

Those who saw me sit and stare and said I was a worthless

dreamer are gone.

I survived the silent sirens.

Now I sit and stare and while I sit I think, I imagine, I write,

I design, I survive because I can.

There is inexpressible music in my head, poetry in my heart

and a sense of humor in my pocket.

I am a child of the universe.

I am not worthless.

- written and posted by permission

from DB at Vagabond Journeys

Please visit DB! You won't be disappointed!!

Top Jokes of 2011, continued...

2012-01-19T12:14:00.000-05:00

Top Jokes of 2011

The jokes below were found
at Reader's Digest online.

Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me.
I'm addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you... "

- submitted by Christine Schrum

A Believer

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my
obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face...

- submitted by Adam Joshua

A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder,
so I joined a support group. We never meet.

- comic Craig Sharf

For the Mrs.

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made
it the half- mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner
for six rolls.

"Your wife must like rolls," he said.

"How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked.

"Because your mother wouldn't send you
out in weather like this."

- submitted by Richard Silberlust

Top Jokes of 2011....

2012-01-14T12:12:00.000-05:00

Top Jokes of 2011

The jokes below were found
at Reader's Digest online.

Not So Helpful

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day,
leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that
listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the
first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the
voice on the other end said, "I don't know what
you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed
here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone,
"how do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

- submitted by Christine Quinn

Relaxing Location

While my parents were making their funeral
arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed
out a plot that he thought they would like.
"You'll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,"
he assured them.

Dad wasn't sold. "Unless you're including a
periscope with my casket, I don't know how
I'm going to enjoy it."

- submitted by Carol Beach

A Glitch

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my
wife, I began listening to the audiobook version
of Frank McCourt's 'Teacher Man'.

"I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,"
I complained. "He refers to characters I don't
know and introduces them a half hour later."

My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered
on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn't
until the end of the book that my dilemma was
explained - I had set the iPod to Shuffle.

- submitted by Norm Sunshine

... to be continued...

Fun and Funny Quotes...

2011-12-27T10:54:00.001-05:00

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Tear my heart out, slow roast me over a fire, pull off my
eyebrows strand by strand, push pins though my fingernails...
do anything to me, anything but a Monday."

- Prabhudoss Samuel

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

- Paula Poundstone

"It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go, 'Aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But
you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in."

- Tommy Cooper

"If your boss is getting you down, look at him through
the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail."

- David Brent

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

- George Carlin

"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...
If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said,
'Alright... you're ugly too!'"

- Rodney Dangerfield

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have
my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

- Groucho Marx

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk
comes out of my nose."

- Woody Allen

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled
for a reason."

- Jerry Seinfeld

Merry Christmas!...

2011-12-25T13:12:00.000-05:00

“For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given;
and the government shall be upon His shoulder,
and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.”
- Isaiah 9:6

"Christmas is the harvest time of love. Souls are drawn
to other souls. All that we have read and thought and
hoped comes to fruition at this happy time. Our spirits
are astir. We feel within us a strong desire to serve.
A strange, subtle force, a new kindness, animates man
and child. A new spirit is growing in us. No longer are
we content to relieve pain, to sweeten sorrow, to give
the crust of charity. We dare to give friendship,
service, the equal loaf of bread and love."
- Helen Keller

Christmas Facts

The definition of a white Christmas in England is one
snowflake falling on the roof of the London Weather
Centre in the 24 hours of December 25.

It is considered unlucky to cut a mince pie with a knife.

December 25 was first celebrated as the birthday
of Christ in the year 440 AD.

Christmas wasn’t declared an official holiday in the
United States until June 26, 1870.

There is a Christmas, Arizona and a Christmas, Florida.
In both Arizona and Indiana, there is a town called
Santa Claus. There is also a Noel, Missouri.

The Germans made the first artificial Christmas trees

out of dyed goose feathers.

Each year more than 3 billion Christmas cards
are sent in the U.S. alone.

All the gifts in the Twelve Days of Christmas
would equal 364 gifts.

It is estimated that the single “White Christmas” by
Irving Berlin is the best selling single of all time,
with over 100 million sales worldwide.

Christmas purchases account for 1/6 of all
retail sales in the U.S.

Click links below for Christmas fun!

Match Game for Kids

My Favorite Christmas Song

Amazing Christmas Light Show

Make a Virtual Snowflake

I hope you are having a blessed Christmas Day!!
Happy Jesus' Birthday!! Sending out joy from my
home to yours... Val =)

Joke - Weeweechu...

2011-12-20T11:50:00.000-05:00

Weeweechu

It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love
you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me?!"

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang...

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a
Happy New Year!"

Christmas Jokes...

2011-12-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

Denominations

Maria went to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?" asked Maria.
"Well, give me 50 Protestant and 50 Catholic, please."

Christmas Present

Pete bought his wife, Thelma, a beautiful diamond ring
as her Christmas present.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, John, his
friend, com
mented, "I thought she wanted one of those
sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"Oh, Thelma did, Pete replied, "But where on earth was
I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Blondes Tree Hunting

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen
woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of sub-zero temperatures a few close calls
with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and
said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't
care whether it's decorated or not!"

Santa Humor...

2011-12-13T12:01:00.001-05:00

Santa Stats

* The U.S. has 78 people registered under S. Claus
and one under Kriss Kringle.
* December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
* The average wage of a mall Santa is $11 an hour.
With his own beard it's $20 an hour.
* The weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie
Baby for every kid on earth is 333,333 tons,
* The number of reindeers required to pull a 333,333 ton
sleigh: 214,206 plus Rudolph.
* To deliver all his gifts in one night, Santa would have
to make 822.6 visits per second (at 3,00 times the speed
of sound.)
* At this speed, Santa and his reindeer would
instantaneously burst into flames in Earth's
atmosphere.

There are three stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Claus

Q: How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
A: No woman would wear the same
outfit year after year!

Perseverance Quotes and a Bible Verse...

2011-12-11T10:36:00.001-05:00

Perseverance Quotes and a Bible Verse

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good.
At just the right time we will reap a harvest of
blessing if we don't give up."

- Galatians 6:9

"Courage is the whisper in the moment of
despair that says: 'I must go on... '"

- Daniel Waldschmidt

"All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and
frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail."

- Dorothea Brande

"What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists...
and it becomes available only when you are in that state of mind in
which you know exactly what you want... and are fully determined
not to quit until you get it."

- Alexander Graham Bell

"Perseverance is failing nineteen times and succeeding the twentieth."

- Julie Andrews

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you,
til it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer,
never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the
tide will turn."

- Harriet Beecher Stowe

"The gem cannot be polished without friction,
nor man perfected without trials."

- A Chinese Proverb

"The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is,
that one often comes from a strong will, and the other
from a strong won't."

- Henry Ward Beecher

"When nothing seems to help,
I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock,
perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it.
Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two,
and I know it was not that last blow that did it,
but all that had gone before."

- Jacob A. Riis

"In the hardest of times,
often the most beautiful things follow."

- Devin Heramson

Joke - Santa is a Woman...

2011-12-09T09:40:00.001-05:00

Santa Claus is a Woman

Santa Claus is a woman because:

1. The vast majorities of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve and only go for a
last-minute shopping spree.
2. For a he-Santa, there would be no reindeer because
they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to
the rear bumper of the sleigh.
3. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
4. For a Santa man, there would be unavoidable delays
in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would
stop to inspect and repaint bricks in the flue.
5. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide
fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every
Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a
perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
6. Men can't pack a bag.
7. Men would rather be dead than
caught wearing red velvet.
8. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
9. Men don't answer their mail.

10. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely
resembling a "bowl-ful of jelly."
11. Men aren't interested in stockings unless
somebody's wearing them.

12. Finally, being responsible for

Christmas would require a
commitment.

Joke - How To Cook a Christmas Turkey...

2011-12-07T11:06:00.001-05:00

How To Cook a Christmas Turkey

Go buy a turkey.
Take a drink of whiskey.
Put turkey in the oven.
Take another two drinks of whiskey.
Set the degree at 350 ovens.
Take three more whiskeys of drink.
Turk the bastey.
Whiskey another bottle of get.
Ponder the meat thermometer.
Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
Bake the whiskey for four hours.
Take the oven out of the turkey.
Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
Turk the carvey.
Get yourself another scottle of botch.
Tet the sable and pour another
glass of turkey.
Bless the dinner and pass out.

Fun and Funny Quotes...

2011-12-06T10:53:00.001-05:00

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Why do we call them buildings when they're finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?"

- Author Unknown

"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can
get shot while getting shot... "

- Chris Rock

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse.
I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."

- J. D. Salinger

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."

- Peter Vries

"The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so
he can tell when he's really in trouble."

- Justine Vogt

"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.
He told me to wear a brown tie."

- Rodney Dangerfield

"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out
of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot."

- Jay Leno

"The road to success is always under construction."

- Lily Tomlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."

- Will Rogers

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up Button."

- Sam Levenson

Reverendfun Cartoons!...

2011-12-04T10:34:00.001-05:00

Hello, you!! I have Reverendfun Cartoons today! They're my
favorite cartoons to post! If you enjoy Reverendfun, visit them
online and read the archives or sign up to receive them by
email! Sending out chuckles and Christmas joy... Val =)

Reverendfun

Joke - Bass Boat...

2011-12-02T09:46:00.001-05:00

Bass Boat

A good ol' Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What
ya gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to
float a boat within 100 miles of here!"

He says, "I won it... and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the
wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field
behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother
sitting in a bass boat, with a fishing rod in his hand, in the
middle of a big field.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'! What does it look like I'm
doing?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from
Arkansas a bad name! Yer makin' everybody think we's stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whoop you!"

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Bible Verse...

2011-11-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

Inspirational Life Quotes and a Verse

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

- Hebrews 13:8
<><

"Let us dare to be ourselves,
for we do that better than anyone else can."
- Shirley Briggs

"You will never change your life until you change something you
do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine."
- John C. Maxwell

"Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning
the instrument as one goes on."
- Samuel Butler

"The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today."

- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"We would worry less about what people think about us if
we realized how seldom they do."
- Ethel Barrett

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
- Janis Joplin

"We all live under the same sky,
but we don't all have the same horizon."
- Konrad Adehauer

"'You must never feel badly about making mistakes,'
explained Reason quietly, 'as long as you take the trouble to learn
from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right
reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.'"
- Norton Juster, 'The Phantom Tollbooth'

"I don't care if my glass is half full or half empty -
I'm just happy to have a glass."
- Joe Farrell

Happy Thanksgiving!!...

2011-11-24T10:29:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving Quotes

"Every one of our greatest national treasures, our liberty,
enterprise, vitality, wealth, military power, global authority,
flow from a surprising source: our ability to give thanks."

- Tony Snow

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for
everything that happens to you knowing that every step
forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and
better than your current situation."
- Brian Tracy

"Thanksgiving Day is a jewel,
to set in the hearts of honest men;
but be careful that you do not take the day,
and leave out the gratitude."
- E. P. Powell

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest
form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness
doubled by wonder."
- G. K. Chesterton

"If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it!"
- Mathilda Gage

"When I started counting my blessings,
my whole life turned around."
- Willie Nelson

"I give thanks everyday that I've been able to take
my craziness and make it work for me."
- Fritz Scholder

"Lord, dismiss us with Thy blessing.
Thanks for blessings past received."
- John Sheffield

If you would like to read some humorous Thanksgiving
quotes click the link below:

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

I also have some Thanksgiving humor at the link below:

Thanksgiving Humor

I have been running this blog for a few years now,
so if you do a search you will be able to find quite a bit of
Thanksgiving material!

I wish you and yours a blessed and wonderful Thanksgiving!!
Sending out joy and gratitude... Val =)

Joke - Who Is It?...

2011-11-14T10:28:00.000-05:00

Who Is It?

An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived,
the hotel clerk asked him a riddle.

"My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my
sister. Who was it?"

The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up.
"I don't know. Who was it?"

The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!"

The Englishman thought the riddle was hilarious. He decided he
would ask his friends the same riddle when he flew home the
next day.

He met them at the airport and asked, "My mom and dad had a
baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up.

So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York!"

Quotes and a Bible Verse to Ponder...

2011-11-13T10:16:00.000-05:00

Quotes and a Bible Verse to Ponder

He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all --
how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?
- Romans 8:32

"Think for a minute about what makes you
fabulous and how you can celebrate it."
- Laura Mercier

"For lack of an occasional expression of love, a relationship
strong at the seams can wear thin in the middle."
- Robert Brault

"Do you love me because I am beautiful,
or am I beautiful because you love me?"
- Cinderella

"The miracle is not to fly in the air, or to walk
on the water; but to walk on the earth."
- A Chinese Proverb

"It's not good enough that we do our best;
sometimes we have to do what's required."
- Winston Churchill

"I used to believe that anything was better than nothing.
Now I know that sometimes nothing is better."
- Glenda Jackson

"The nearest way to glory is to strive to be
what you wish to be thought to be."
- Socrates

"You can do what you have to do, and sometimes you
can do it even better than you think you can."
- Jimmy Carter

"The Almighty has His own purposes."
- Abraham Lincoln

"You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time, but you
can not fool all of the people all of the time."
- Abraham Lincoln

Happy Veteran's Day!...

2011-11-11T10:04:00.001-05:00

"I think there is one higher office than President
and I would call that Patriot."

- Gary Hart

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers."
- José Narosky

"More than an end to war, we want an end to the
beginning of all wars - yes, an end to this brutal,
inhuman and thoroughly impractical method of
settling the differences between governments."

- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Happy Veteran's Day - especially to those who have
fought for our freedoms and to protect this country!
I thank you from the bottom of my heart! And
thank you to those today who are protecting this
great land!!
Below are two posts I did in the past. The first one
is military humor and the second is Veteran's Day
quotes and a nice video you may want to watch.
Have a blessed weekend, everyone!! I am sending
out peace today... Val =)

Click on links below:

Veteran's Day Humor

Veteran's Day Quotes and a Video

Fun and Funny Quotes...

2011-11-04T11:13:00.001-04:00

Fun and Funny Quotes

“Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.”
- Lenny Bruce

“I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we
had our own coroner. We used to write essays like:
What I’m going to be if I grow up.”
- Lenny Bruce

"The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can
do that dramatic removal."
- Jim Gaffigan

"Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

"A man in the house is worth two in the street."
- Mae West

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he's finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died."
- Steven Wright

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it."
- Steven Wright

"Accept that some days you are the pigeon,
and some days you are the statue."
- David Brent

"There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery.
You can't do any business from there."
- Colonel Sanders

Shortest Blonde Joke Ever...

2011-11-03T10:57:00.000-04:00

Shortest Blonde Joke Ever

Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd have thought at least one of

them would had seen it....

Joke - 21st Birthdays...

2011-10-28T11:41:00.000-04:00

21st Birthdays

A boy from Duluth, Minnesota, named Lars had heard stories of
an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather,
and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their
first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk
across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before
him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father,
grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January.
You were born in July."

Joke - Burial at Sea...

2011-10-27T10:44:00.000-04:00

Burial at Sea

Chrissy and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their
uncle, who had been a sea-faring gentleman all his life,
to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes
kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto
their rowboat.

After a while Chrissy says, "Do you think we're out far enough,
Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee-deep
says, "Nope, not yet Chrissy."

So they rowed a little farther. Again, Chrissy asks Barbie, "Do you
think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately
says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over
the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor
Chrissy is really getting worried. Suddenly, Barbie breaks the
surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enough yet, sis?"

"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."

Character Quotes and a Bible Verse...

2011-10-23T12:46:00.001-04:00

Character Quotes and a Bible Verse

<><

"For this very reason,
make every effort to add to your faith goodness;
and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control;
and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance,
godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness;
and to brotherly kindness, love."
- 2 Peter 1:5-7

<><

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through

experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened,

vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved."

- Helen Keller

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"Character is higher than intellect. A great soul

will be strong to live as well as think."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't

hear what you're saying."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

“Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were

going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care,

kindness and understanding you can muster, and do it with

no thought of any reward. Your life will

never be the same again.”

– Og Mandino

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"No matter how full a reservoir of maxims one may possess,

and no matter how good one's sentiments may be, if one have

not taken advantage of every concrete opportunity to act,

one's character may remain entirely unaffected

for the better."

- William James

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"The best index to a person's character is

(a) how he treats people who can't do him any good,

and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back."

- Abigail van Buren

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"If you lose your wealth, you have lost nothing,

If you lose your health, you have lost something,

But if you lose your character,

you have lost everything."

- Woodrow Wilson

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"A person reveals his character by nothing

so clearly as the joke he resents."

- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character

by his way of eating jelly beans."

- Ronald Reagan

- Happy Birthday, Therese and Carl !!

Joke - Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created...

2011-10-20T10:11:00.002-04:00

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost
in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to
locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new
fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve
to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to
put he garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of
child-bearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles
on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than that."

A Funny - Test Mistakes...

2011-10-19T11:01:00.000-04:00

Test Mistakes

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,
submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high
school, and college students. As she noted, “It is truly astonishing what
weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time
and grades.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”

“When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration,
and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire.”

“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken
out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the
skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”

“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body
until the heart stops.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.
If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until
it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

Joke - How is She Doing?...

2011-10-18T11:07:00.001-04:00

How is She Doing?

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly
asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how
a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can. What's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said,

"Norma Findlay, room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check
with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and
said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma
is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work
just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has
scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so
worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma
your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.
No one tells me anything."

Elderly Humor...

2011-10-17T10:45:00.000-04:00

Elderly Humor

Advice to an Elderly Fellow

An elderly fellow (not in the best shape) was working out
at the gym when he spotted a sweet, young thing.

He asked his nearby trainer, "What machine in here should
I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

His trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try
the ATM in the lobby."

***

Games For Our Golden Years

Sag, You're It!
Pin The Toupee On The Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
Kick The Bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over

Simon Says Something Incoherent

Hide And Go Pee

Spin The Bottle of Mylanta

Musical Recliners

***

Secret Formula

The police recently busted a man selling "secret formula"
tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth
time he was caught for committing this same criminal
medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and
1983....

Joke - Corporate Structure...

2011-10-15T10:51:00.000-04:00

Corporate Structure

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding
bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful
than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start
and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not
quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor
swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug-of-war with
a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally
addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap
buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun
without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes a locomotive two out of
three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life
preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says,
"Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud
puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives
off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

Fun and Funny Quotes...

2011-10-14T10:59:00.000-04:00

Fun and Funny Quotes

"Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver."
- William James

"Some people are like Slinkies...
not really good for anything, but you can't help
smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
- Author Unknown

"Whenever I fill out an application,
in the part that says, 'If an emergency, notify:'
I put 'DOCTOR'. What's my mother going to do?"
- Author Unknown

"There has been much tragedy in my life;
at least half of it actually happened."
- Mark Twain

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for
most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."
- Theodore Roosevelt

"Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel.
Stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself."
- Author Unknown

"Pay no attention to what the critics say;
no statue has ever been erected to a critic."
- Jean Sibelius

"Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted."
- Bob Monkhouse

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
- Author Unknown

"As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes,
and I can't remember the other two."
- Norman Wisdom

Joke - Waiting in Line...

2011-10-13T12:00:00.000-04:00

Waiting in Line

Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart,
Target, and my local grocer for having 25 check-out lanes
and only three open at any given time.
Here are some creative ways to spend your time:

* Catch up on magazine reading.

* Retrieve the 13 things you forgot on your list.

* Be an annoying cell phone user and catch up on all the
phone calls to your insurance agent, mother-in-law,
and Auntie Anne.

* Catch a quick cat nap.

* Assess what other people have in their carts and get
exciting new dinner ideas.

* Finally apply a top coat of nail polish with plenty
of drying time.

* Run next door and pick up your dry cleaning.

* Practice your stand-up comedy routines on unsuspecting
fellow customers.

* Practice some standing yoga poses.

* Taste a cookie in the package of the newest low-carb,
zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

* Breathe heavily on your T-bones so they're defrosted in
time for dinner so you won't have to leave them out on
the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun like you
normally do.

Andertoons Cartoon!...

2011-10-10T09:46:00.000-04:00

These cartoons were found at Andertoons online.

Andertoons by Mark Anderson

Overcoming Depression Quotes...

2011-10-07T10:56:00.000-04:00

Overcoming Depression Quotes

"Mental health problems do not affect three or four
out of every five persons, but one out of one."
- Dr. William Menninger

"Take the first step, no more, no less,
and the next will be revealed."
- Ken Roberts

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling
with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain.
But you have already borne the pain. What you have not
done is feel all you are beyond that pain."
- Kahlil Gibran

"Hope is grief’s best music."
- Author Unknown

"Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best
antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset.
It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens.
It is the direct route to serenity and contentment."
- Greenville Kleiser

"In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair,
there are always certain things to cling to. Little things
usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child,
a tree in the wind - in fact, any reminder of something
deeply felt or dearly loved. No man is so poor as not to
have many of these small candles. When they are lighted,
darkness goes away - and a touch of wonder remains."
- "These Small Candles", a tombstone inscription in Britain

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly,
acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all,
I still know that just to be alive is a grand thing."
- Agatha Christie

"One ceases to recognize the significance of mountain peaks
if they are not viewed occasionally from the deepest valleys."
- Dr. Al Lorin

"Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of the overcoming of it."
- Helen Keller

The first week of October (2 - 8) is National Mental Illness
Awareness Week. If you are hurting, please let someone know!!
If you have no one to turn to, the crisis line below is open year-
round, 24/7. They care and will not judge you!

Visit NAMI for more details on mental health.

- dedicated to J. and S., two hurting young people,
who left this earth too soon.

Thinking Outside The Box...

2011-10-06T10:26:00.000-04:00

Thinking Outside The Box

Centuries ago, in a small Italian town, a merchant had the mis-
fortune of owing a large sum of money to the moneylender.

The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the merchant's
beautiful daughter, so he proposed a bargain. He promised to
cancel the merchant's debt if he could marry the merchant's
daughter.

Both the merchant and his daughter were horrified by the
proposal. The cunning moneylender suggested that they let
providence decide the matter.

The moneylender told them that he would put a black pebble
and a white pebble into an empty bag. The girl would then have
to pick one pebble from the bag. If she picked the black
pebble, she would become the moneylender's wife, and her
father's debt would be forgiven. If she picked the white
pebble, she need not marry him, and her father's debt would
still be forgiven. But if she refused to pick a pebble, her
father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble-strewn path in the merchant's
garden. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up
two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed
that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the
bag. He then asked the girl to pick her pebble from the bag.
Now, imagine you were standing in the merchant's garden. What
would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise
her, what would you have told her? Careful analysis would
produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in
the bag and expose the moneylender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in
order to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used
with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference
between lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot
be solved with traditional, logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the logical answers.

What would you recommend the girl do?

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble.
Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-
strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the other
pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look
into the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she
had picked the white one. And since the moneylender dared not
admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an
impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.
Moral of the Story: Most complex problems do have a
solution. Sometimes we have to think about them in a
different way.

WOW

Joke - You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee...

2011-10-05T10:38:00.000-04:00

You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When...

* Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You sleep with your eyes open.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* You lick your coffee pot clean.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator

to take your pulse.

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* Your only sources of nutrition comes

from 'Sweet & Low'.

* You don't sweat - you percolate.

* You've worn out the handle on your

favorite coffee mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

* Your life's goal is to 'amount to a hill of beans'.

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* You want to be cremated so you can spend

eternity in a coffee can.

* You name your cats 'Cream' and 'Sugar'.

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the

sipping position.

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee

with an I. V. hookup.

A Funny - New Words For The Dictionary...

2011-10-04T11:39:00.000-04:00

New Words For The Dictionary

accordionated (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and re-fold

a road map at the same time.

aquadextrous (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the

bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

aqualibrium (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking

fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from

having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

burgacide (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more

torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

buzzacks (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up

display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the

phones are not connected.

carpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of

running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching

over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give

the vacuum one more chance.

dimp (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by

asking, "Do you work here?"

disconfect (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped

on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all

the germs.

ecnalubma (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in

the rearview mirror.

eiffelites (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the

movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one

armrest at a movie theater.

elecelleration (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more

you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the

dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally

decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here'

spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal side'.

peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole

purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want

ground pepper.

phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and

forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog

presses its nose to it.

telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the

phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only

six inches away.

Over 40 Humor...

2011-10-03T10:57:00.000-04:00

The Greatest Benefits of Being Over 40

* Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than

The National Weather Service.

* People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

* You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

* There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

* You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

* You have a party and the neighbors

don't even realize it.

* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

* You quit trying to hold your stomach in,

no matter who walks into the room.

* You sing along with elevator music.

* Your eyes won't get much worse.

* Your investment in health insurance is finally

beginning to pay off.

* * * *

Necessary Information for the

40-and-Older Crowd

* If you're too open-minded,

your brains will fall out.

* Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion

that life is serious.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite

government program.

* If you look like your passport picture,

you probably need the trip.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice

the speed of checks.

* Men are from earth. Women are from earth.

Deal with it.

* Opportunities always look bigger

going than coming.

* Junk is something you've kept for years and

throw away three weeks before you need it.

* There is always one more imbecile

than you counted on.

* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice

contrast to the real world.

* It ain't the jeans that make your bottom look big.

an LOLcat...

2011-09-28T11:01:00.000-04:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Autumn Quotes and a Bible Verse...

2011-09-24T12:14:00.000-04:00

Autumn Quotes and a Bible Verse

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper
time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
- Galatians 6:9

"For man, autumn is a time of harvest, of gathering together.
For nature, it is a time of sowing, of scattering abroad."
- Adwin Way Teale

"The summer fades and passes and October comes.
We'll smell smoke then, and feel an unexpected sharpness,
a thrill of nervousness, swift elation,
a sense of sadness and departure."
- Thomas Wolfe

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it,
and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth
seeking the successive autumns."
- George Eliot

"Bittersweet October. The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect
pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter."
- Carol Bishop Hipps

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor,
summer an oil painting,
and autumn a mosaic of them all."
- Stanley Horowitz

"The breezes taste of apple peel.
The air is full of smells to feel -
Ripe fruit, old footballs, burning brush,
New books, erasers, chalk, and such.
The bee, his hive, well-honeyed hum,
And Mother cuts chrysanthemums.
Like plates washed clean with suds, the days
Are polished with a morning haze."
- John Updike

"If you do not sow in the spring,
you will not reap in the autumn."
- An Irish Proverb

"Even if something is left undone, everyone must take
time to sit still and watch the leaves turn."
- Elizabeth Lawrence

"l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
li
ness"
- E. E. Cummings

Parenting and Children Quotes and a Verse...

2011-09-18T10:57:00.000-04:00

Parenting and Children Quotes and a Bible Verse

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he

is old he will not turn from it.

- Proverbs 22:6

“Before I got married I had six theories

about bringing up children; now I have six

children and no theories.”

- John Wilmot

"Boy, n.: a noise with dirt on it."

- From 'Not Your Average Dictionary'

"A little girl is sugar and spice and everything nice,

especially when she's taking a nap."

- Author Unknown

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender,

but you don’t have a top for it.”

- Jerry Seinfeld

"While we try to teach our children all about life,

our children teach us what life is all about."

- Angela Schwindt

"Although there are many trial marriages...

there is no such thing as a trial child."

- Gail Sheehy

"Don't worry that children never listen to you;

worry that they are always watching you."

- Robert Fulghum

"The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention

is to sit down and look comfortable."

- Lane Olinghouse

"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.

One is roots. The other is wings."

- Hodding Carter, Jr.

Fun and Funny Quotes...

2011-09-17T10:27:00.000-04:00

Fun and Funny Quotes

"I recorded a song called 'I Fall to Pieces', and I

was in a car wreck. Now I'm really worried because I

have a brand-new record, and it's called 'Crazy'."

- Patsy Cline

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

- Steven Wright

"I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said

'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw

a sign that said 'compact cars'."

- Steven Wright

"I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,

'There's water in the carburetor.' I said,

'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.'"

- Henny Youngman

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the

cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

- Lenny Bruce

"Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are

like cats. Yell at a cat one time... they're gone."

- Lenny Bruce

"If it can't be fixed with duct tape or WD-40,

it's a female problem."

- Jason Love

"Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father

was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John."

- Jim Gaffigan

"I was watching the Animal Planet.

Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby?

Why don't they just call that one the female?"

- Jim Gaffigan

"There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is

a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud."

- Carl Sandburg

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

2011-09-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

More of You Might Be a Redneck If...

* A full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

* A woman says she's game, so you shoot her.

* Going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a flashlight.

* Someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

* Stealing road signs is a family outing.

* Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

* The air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than

five years ago.

* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool

Whip on the side.

* The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.

* The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

* The most common phrase in your house is "someone go jiggle

the handle."

* The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

* The words Nascar, tire, dog, or shotgun appeared in your

wedding vows.

* There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

* There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack

hanging in your truck.

* You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.

* You can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a

fly swatter.

* You clean your house with a water hose.

* You proposed in a Denny's.

* You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

* You come home from the garbage dump with more than you

went with.

* None of these jokes are making sense to you.

Joke - Fishing...

2011-09-15T12:21:00.000-04:00

Fishing

A man was stopped by a game warden, with two buckets

of fish, leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game

warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch

those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are

my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" said the warden.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake

and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they

jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment,

and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"Alright. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish into the water and stood and

waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned

to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game

warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

Joke - A Million...

2011-09-14T11:16:00.000-04:00

A Million

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"

The guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead," God answered.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God,

what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure, in a second!"

Joke - Freezer Meals...

2011-09-13T11:53:00.001-04:00

Freezer Meals

I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot

Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or

"Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what

he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those

things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels.

You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever",

"Anything", "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "Something Good", or

"Food". My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my

husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know

that it is there waiting.

Back-To-School Jokes...

2011-09-09T11:13:00.000-04:00

Back-To-School Jokes

These were collected from Reader's Digest online.

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade

teachers were named Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One

morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a

flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company

and I'm keeping her home."

- submitted By Merri Lee Colvin

*****

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i.

Millie: I is ...

Teacher: No Millie. Always say, "I am."

Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

*****

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I

work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his

classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him

mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer

moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get

this kid out of his locker."

- submitted by Helen Button

*****

Danny was hard to miss at our school. A Civil War buff

who forever wore his Confederate overcoat, he was a friend

to all. When he was passed over during the vote for senior

superlatives, many of us were disappointed; surely there

must have been a category suitable for him.

The whole school was pleased, therefore, when the

yearbook adviser surprised us with an additional photo.

There was Danny, decked out in his gray coat, with the

caption: "Most Likely to Secede".

- submitted by Michael G. Stewart

*****

Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign.

I was pulled over by a police officer, who recognized me as

his former English teacher.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not

commas."

- submitted by Gail Brown

*****

I'm a high school geometry teacher and I started one lesson

on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an

exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than

the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior

angles."

I noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked

him why. "Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you

start speaking English."

- submitted by Patricia Strickland

*****

While working in the library at a university, I was often

shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of

paying their fees for overdue books. One evening an older

student returned two books that were way overdue and

threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2 fee that I asked her to

pay. I tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but

she insisted she should be exempt. "You don't understand,"

she blurted out. "I didn't even read them!"

- sumbitted by Alison Satterfield

Joke - School Zone...

2011-09-06T10:53:00.000-04:00

School Zone

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture
of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by
again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again
for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings,"
the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in
the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for
not wearing a seat belt!

Fun and Funny Lily Tomlin Quotes...

2011-09-06T09:08:00.001-04:00

Fun and Funny Lily Tomlin Quotes

"Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination."

"Teflon brain - nothing sticks."

"We are all in this together, by ourselves."

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst
those in touch with it."

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak
may be thinking up something else."

"Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?"

"Man invented language to satisfy
his deep need to complain."

"The road to success is always under construction."

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific."

"Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."

"After all, in private, we're all misfits."

Labor Day Quotes and a Bible Verse...

2011-09-05T11:43:00.002-04:00

Labor Day Quotes and a Bible Verse

Do not labor for the food that perishes,
but for the food that endures to eternal life,
which the Son of Man will give to you.
For on Him God the Father has set His seal.- John 6:27

"Work isn't to make money; you work to justify life."
- Marc Chagall

"Without labor nothing prospers."
- Sophocles

"If any man tells you he loves America, yet hates labor,
he is a liar. If any man tells you he trusts America,
yet fears labor, he is a fool."
- Abraham Lincoln

"The end of labor is to gain leisure."
- Aristotle

"Take rest; a field that has rested gives
a bountiful crop."
- Ovid

"Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold.
But other times it's essential to take time off and to
make sure that your most important decision in the
day simply consists of choosing which color to slide
down on the rainbow."
- Douglas Pagels

"The man who doesn't relax and hoot a few hoots
voluntarily, now and then, is in great danger of
hooting hoots and standing on his head for the
edification of the pathologist and trained nurse,
a little later on."
- Elbert Hubbard

"If all the cars in the United States were placed end
to end, it would probably be Labor Day weekend."
- Doug Larson

"Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child
will be going back to school the next day. It would
have been called Independence Day, but that name
was already taken."
- Bill Dodds

2011-09-05T11:06:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness, I think this is working!!! LOL I may be able to post some...
we will see... Here is a joke today =). Love you all!! Val =)

I Need Help

"Doctor O'Hara," Ranjit pleaded, "I've got trouble. Every time I get
into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed,
I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You
gotta help me, I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist
Dr. O'Hara. "Come and see me three times a week and I'll cure yourfears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."
"In that case, I'll sleep on it," answered Ranjit.

Six months later the doctor met Ranjit in the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars,"
smiled Ranjit.
"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

testing

2011-09-05T10:58:00.001-04:00

testing

2011-06-25T14:36:00.003-04:00

testing testing one two three testing!

Andertoons Cartoons...

2011-05-21T12:57:00.013-04:00

Hi everyone and good Saturday to you! I have the last stash
of Andertoons Cartoons for you all for awhle. I hope you
enjoy them! Sending out chuckles and joy... Val =)

Andertoons by Mark Anderson